Life isn’t always perfect. Pictures don’t always show the whole story. My smile sometimes is a lie. I don’t know what is going on right now, but I feel like things are falling apart. It’s funny, because in the primary class that I teach we were talking about apostasy and restoration.
There was a time of apostasy on this earth when the fullness of the gospel was taken away. Then when Joseph Smith had the first vision, the start of the restoration started.

I feel as if my family is about to go through the apostasy. Yeah, a little harsh – and I know there are probably a lot of members that know my family that gasping. Life sucks sometimes and I don’t know what went wrong.

I for one will say that being a member of this church is hard to be a part of. They ask a lot of you and it’s not easy. You get to go to church and see all these “perfect” families that were born into this and have never known a different life and think to yourself, ‘Hmmm we’ll never be there.’ We are not perfect. I don’t have a husband that thrives to serve others like all the men in this church seem to do; I have a husband who thinks the world revolves around him and is probably the most narcissistic person that I’ve ever met. He gives murmuring a whole new meaning. But he’s my husband and with or without the church I love him. I’m not perfect…. I have so many faults, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be the Mormon wife, the Mormon mom. But life is not so sugar coated as it seems, well at least not when you’re starting out at this so late in life.

I do know this. It’s hard, but it’s what we’re supposed to do. With or without my husband, I will continue to be a member of this church and hope that it gives my children the morals and principles that I want them to have with them for the rest of their lives. Getting up on Sunday and going to church for 3 hours is hard sometimes, but what’s 3 hours out of 168 hours? 3 hours out of our week is NOTHING. There are things that my husband doesn’t understand. Things he thinks are inconvenient, and I don’t know how to go about showing him the reason why we are called to do callings that take our time, why we have to go to church for so long, and why he should be going to church instead of watching that stupid football game that could have been DVRed.

I’m bitter today. I see him slowly pull away and by the time that we’ll be able to finally be sealed together as a family he won’t be in the same spot I am. What a horrible thing. Apostacy sure has a new meaning for me, and I hope to God that it doesn’t hit this family that has come SO FAR from what it used to be.

I’m having mixed feelings about my new calling to Primary. I think that the calling is great and I know that I could learn a lot from who I’d be teaching with, but I just think that the timing is not right. I don’t feel comfortable leaving Gino to attend Sunday school by himself. He’s so new to all of this and I can see him falling away from the church a little bit. Not wanting to stay after Sacrament, and I just think he’s too new of a member to do this to.

I feel bad going and turning down my calling, but something inside of me keeps screaming that I need to turn it down.

I don’t know what to do. 🙁

So, I’ve been waiting ever so patiently for Ella to turn 18 months so I could shove her into Nursery and actually listen during Sunday School & Relief Society. I’ve always had this feeling inside that right when she was ready to go to Nursery that I’d get a calling that would be in primary.

Today I got called to teach the 8 year olds turning 9 this year. The ones that just got baptized. I’ll be teaching the class with the Bishop’s wife, Wendy, who I absolutely love. So, I’m pretty excited, but had to giggle inside that what I had a feeling would happen actually did happen. This year we had made the decision to stop going to Gospel Essentials and start going to Gospel Doctrine instead… especially since they’d be studying Doctrine & Covenents, but Gino will get to hang out in there all by himself…. or with Ella until she turns 18 months. I”ll still study the weekly lessons with Gino at home so I can learn, and so that he’ll be prepared and understand what they’re talking about.

Today was Testimony Sunday at church and I still didn’t feel like I was ready to get up and share my testimony… I don’t know why, because I do have a strong testimony. I’ve seen this gospel completely turn my family around. We’re not even the same people as we were before. Gino has done a complete turn around and I’m so thankful for the gospel. It’s only been a year and 1 month that we started coming to church, and a year and 1 month ago I never would’ve thought we’d be where we are now. I’m thankful that I now have a better understanding of why I’m here on this earth. I’m not just lost in this world wondering what the point of it all is. I know what the point is, and I know what I’m supposed to be doing, and I’m striving my hardest to do it all. I’m not perfect, and neither is my husband, but we’ve come such a long way and it feels good to be on the path that we’re on. I hope we never lose track of it, because it feel so right and so good.

I’m feeling absolutely horrible today and I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t have a cold or the flu, but I just don’t feel well. It may just be my body telling me that it’s had enough of the torture I’ve put it through these past few days of doing major stuff around the house, so maybe I need to listen to it and just relax for the rest of the day.