Monthly Archives: August 2010

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 3

Posted on by
Reply
Something you have to forgive YOURSELF for

I left the medicine without a childproof cap on the counter. 

I left the medicine on the counter that almost took my daughter’s life a little over a year ago on the flipping counter.

Why didn’t I put it up high where she had no access to it? 

I still have days where I look at her and just have to grab her and hug her and thank God for not taking her from me.  I still have days where I think about the look that was on her face when I thought she was dead and I can’t help but cry. 

I almost killed my daughter by a very scary mistake.  And I hold this horrible pain and guilt inside of me because of it.  I try to look at the beautiful blessing that she’s here with us, she’s beautiful, she’s thriving, she’s growing, and she’s not effected by this mistake in any way…. but there was a good 5 minutes of my life that I thought my daughter was dead.  There was a moment in my life where I heard codes being called on her in the hospital and doctors and nurses rushing in ~ and all I could do was drop my head and pray like I have NEVER prayed in my entire life.  In my head she was gone… and I truly didn’t know how I was going to go on.  I didn’t know how I was going to get out of bed every day.  I didn’t know how I was going to go on without seeing her beautiful smile that literally melts every ounce of my soul.

How could I survive without this face

Photobucket

I have to forgive myself for this. I have to take it as a lesson learned that they do climb, and all it takes is literally 2 seconds of your back being turned for a life altering disaster to happen.
TO READ THE POST I WROTE WHEN THIS HAPPENED{CLICK HERE}
Photobucket

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 2

Posted on by
Reply
Something you love about yourself ~

Everybody on this earth has had a screwed up childhood in some way or another. Mine consisted of an extreme amount of unstableness, and a whole lot of other crap that I could dwell on for the rest of my life…. which of course would only cause my future to be as ridiculous as my past.

What I love is that I honestly don’t care. I can forget about whatever has happened to me in the past and focus on my present and my future. I don’t allow my childhood or my past to shape who I am today. I make the choice on whether I want things to effect me in a positive or negative way, and which way do you think I choose? Um…. basically I’m choosing happiness and success over dwelling, hatred and self pity.

And it feels good.

And I love this about me that I can CHOOSE to not allow my childhood or my past to effect who I am now.

Photobucket

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 1

Posted on by
Reply
Some extremely awesome and amazing bloggers are doing this thing called 30 Days of Truth…. and I love the idea, so I’m jumping aboard.

Day 1 ~ Something I Hate About Myself

Lordy ~ I’ve pondered this one for a while now. I ended up deciding not to go with something physical and do something on the inside…. something I hate about myself, but something I most definitely can fix, but until I face the music and admit to thing I hate about myself I’ll never fix it.

I am the queen of screwing myself over. I for some weird and extremely strange reason put things off until sometimes it’s too late. Okay, I said it! That feels a tad bit better.

I guess you can call it procrastination.  I do tend to procrastinate a tad and probably get this from my mother, because she is QUEEN of procrastination.
Here’s what I don’t get….. why don’t I just do things right away and be done with them so I don’t have to WORRY about them.  Worrying is something I hate to do, so while I tend to procrastinate, I in turn make myself worry and I hate this about myself!
I’ve tried to just take care of things as soon as they enter my mind, and it’s going to be a while of trying to practice this new life bettering idea before I make it a habit.  But I hate that I do this to my life.  I don’t want to procrastinate anymore! 

Photobucket

List of Randoms

Posted on by
Reply
Randoms ~ things going through my mind

~ I have become completely obsessed with cleaning out my garage. I think about it all day while I’m at work and every box I empty out I seriously feel like doing a happy dance.

~Once the garage is completely cleaned out I have plans on making a super awesome playroom since baby #3 will mean less room.

~I have found things while cleaning out my garage that are priceless and things I thought were lost…. Mya’s u/s picture. This might sound morbid, but I really wish that they would have printed out an u/s picture when we discovered that she had passed away. I wonder if it’s in my charts that the Sacramento office sent over to my Medford OBGYN. I just might ask. The u/s picture I found was from our first appt. There’s just a little sac, but she was in it and that is something I always want to treasure.

~Now that I’ve found her u/s picture I want to create a shadow box in remembrance of her. And get another urn necklace made w/the remainder of her ashes to put inside of it. I am so relieved that we still have ashes since Ella flushed my original urn necklace down the toilet…. That was a sad, sad day.

~I’ve also found my mother’s Book of Mormon from when she was a little girl. That to me is a priceless treasure.

~My daughter is turning 3 on Saturday. She’s overwhelmingly excited for her party on Saturday and I’m overwhelmingly excited for her! She’s anticipated this day for a VERY long time.

~I’m on my 3rd week of work. I’m surviving and I actually kind of enjoy it. The break from the house was probably much needed, especially with a new baby on the way…. But my heart definitely misses my kids.

~I had a prenatal appointment yesterday. Very uneventful, but those are the best in my opinion. I was in and out and won’t be back for another 4 weeks. Baby’s heartbeat was beautiful. On Sunday I will be 6 months pregnant! It’s flying by! Still have no morning sickness and have been feeling absolutely wonderful. About dang time!

Photobucket

Just a Motivating Monday ~ a marriage post

Posted on by
4
**Just a Motivating Monday Button will be uploaded later**
If you’re just joining in:

I LOVE inspiring things to motivate me and I thought what better of a day to read inspiration than on dreadful Mondays. If you would like to write something you think will inspire or motivate others PLEASE link up!! I’d love to read your words and I’m sure that other’s would as well!

Editing to add that I am submitting this in for my Pour Your Heart Out post for the week.


 
Lately there have been some things happening in a marriage to a couple I know, not close with, but I know them. I know the details of their marriage through an individual who is close with me and close with them. {can’t give details on who it is exactly for their privacy}

Their marriage is in utter turmoil. A girl has entered into the man’s life, a girl who has no respect for family or marriage, and this man is willing to just throw away his MARRIAGE over some young girl who will walk away from him when the drama of his wife finding out starts. For now they’re just both enjoying the excitement of LUST nothing more than just that. While they’re enjoying this, there’s a wife at home with a baby that has no idea.

No idea that the man who is supposed to stick with her through thick and thin, for better for worse is planning to end their marriage over a girl that it is in my best interest to not describe my opinion of her, because I am better than that. 

When learning of the events going on currently in this marriage I can’t help but feel sad. I haven’t always been an advocate of making your marriage work. My marriage by no means has ever been perfect ~ in fact we’ve had problems in the past that would make your head spin and most people run to the family courts for divorce papers.

But we’re here.

We’re happy.

We’re not perfect, but we know that our marriage matters. We know that our children matter. We know that there is no force out there that can interfere with our happiness. Period. There is nothing too big that we can’t talk and work through. Resorting outside of our marriage is not an option. Period.

These people are not friends of mine, and I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much, but it is. It’s made me reflect A LOT on marriage and has me very grateful for mine and the small problems it contains.

My heart aches for his wife. I’m sure she’s not perfect in her marriage, probably has taken him for granted for the most part, but all it takes is a little communication. TALK! If you’re having issues in your marriage roll up your sleeves and get to work on it. Don’t be a coward and go find the first young home wrecker and destroy your family.
At the end of the day…. Your immediate family is ALL YOU HAVE. Friends come and go, extended family even comes and goes, LUST comes and goes…. It’s what is under your roof that will love you unconditionally, be there for you when you need it the most. So, doesn’t that deserve the most devotion and work from you?
I’m posting this as my Just a Motivating Monday post because for some reason this situation is motivating me in a weird way to pay extra special attention to my marriage.  It’s making me think A LOT on what’s important in life, in family, in marriage, in parenting ~ a whole mess of thoughts are going on through my mind. 

Photobucket

Who would’ve thought?!

Posted on by
1

Who would have thought that in order for me to just get some major things done at my house all I’d need to do is just go and get a JOB! I have no idea what in the world my deal has been at home these past 3 years, but ever since I’ve been OUT OF THE HOUSE I’m doing more IN THE HOUSE.


This weekend I did some major transformations in my garage. I found things that made me oooooo and ahhhh and things my friend who was in there with me wanted to hit me over the head with for not having up in my home. But I’m finally organizing MAJORLY and I think I’m even ready to bust out some paint and have this home of our’s {well, sortof since we don’t own it} the way I envision it.


I need to remember after this working thing I’m doing is over that I MUST stick to a schedule.  I MUST take advantage of all the time I will have at home to ensure that my home looks how I want it…. to make my home the haven it should be for my family.

Photobucket

Working Mom, Turned Stay at Home Mom, Turned Working Mom

Posted on by
1

For so many years ~ 5 years, 7 months I was a working mom. I was fortunate enough to be able to bring Jayden to work with me for the 1st year of his life, but after that…. I left him. EVERY, SINGLE DAY… MONDAY-FRIDAY. This changed in 2007 and I was so blessed to be able to become a work at home mom.

I have never had to leave Ella in the care of somebody else. I can’t even begin to describe what that means to me.

But here I am after 3 years & 4 months I am back to work.  It’s completely a temporary thing, and luckily Gino and I have opposite schedules, so they kids don’t have to go into anybody else’s care… but, I am feeling extremely bugged about it tonight.

I get home at 3:20pm, and since I’ve started working Ella has stopped napping.  You can tell when Ella is tired because she starts going into destruction mode then it’s get to the point where you can’t help but be completely irritated and it’s not good…. because it starts when I get home.  So, here I am missing out on the majority of the day with her and I get home and it’s not enjoyable.  I look at the clock longing for bedtime… 

and I officially feel like the worst mother EVER.  I hope I tomorrow is better, I hope that she’s not exhausted and I’m not exhausted. 

Dear November…. I can’t wait til you get here. 

I can’t wait til I can wake up in the morning to my sweet little girl’s sweet smile and laughter.  

I can’t wait to sit lazily at the table eating breakfast while we plan what fun events we’ll do during the day together.  

I can’t wait to not have to miss out on another moment with her, because her days are now filled without me…. and I don’t like it…. at all.

I can’t wait to just be with Ella, because she’s my best friend and I miss her.  

My life was consumed by her, and now it’s consumed with paperwork….. and computers…. and lunch breaks…. and silence.  I haven’t heard silence in years.  

I used to think I could never be a stay at home mom.  I used to think it took a special someone to do it, and that special someone could NEVER be me.  But you know what, I can’t imagine not being a stay at home mom.  I guess that I am that special someone I never thought I could be.  I hope that I can continue to do whatever it takes to ensure that I’m home with my babies… where my heart is.

Photobucket