Monthly Archives: May 2012

PRIDE

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I’m not even going to begin to tell you that this scripture journal was my idea, because Shannon over at {The Red Headed Hostess} is responsible for my inspiration in creating my first scripture journal.  I don’t know if Shannon has any idea how many lives she probably impacts with her blog full of a wealth of information – but she definitely has impacted me in my life.  If you’ve been reading my blog long, then you’ll know that I’m a QUOTE junkie….she inspired me with being able to mix reading my scriptures, to recording my quotes, to speaking to my children about things I feel are important.

I don’t know if you’re a Christian, if you like to read things re scriptures, and if you’re not I don’t want you to read this and start high tailing it the other way, because when I speak about my scripture journal and share with you the insights I’ve had, a lot of the time they’ll be on topics that even the non-Christian can possibly take something from.

Through  my researching and studying I’ve found myself shockingly more inspired with things to write in my scripture journal than I expected myself to.  BUT I also know that blogging always helps tie things together for me, I thought maybe I’d share one of my favorite quotes that I found and share my insights on what it means to me, and what I hope my children will get from it as well.  My insights and thoughts are 110% for my children and their children, and their childrens’ children – I want my words and thoughts and insights and questions to trickle down and inspire them.

The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges.  They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.

My life is a perfect example of this.  I am the QUEEN of injured feelings.  I’m easily offended, which is something that I hope to be able to overcome.  I don’t think I’ve fully grasped yet exactly why being offended makes you a proud person {which gives me a great path to research on my pride journey} BUT I do know that holding grudges and trying to injure others with holding out on forgiving them does.

I started researching pride yesterday for my first scripture topic and I’ve given myself all of today to ponder this topic – yikes I’m definitely a prideful person, and thankfully I’m able to be more aware on this trait.  I thought about difficult people in our lives that make it very hard to give forgiveness, and people who continually hurt us in our lives.  What are we supposed to do then?  I guess the answer to this question is we have to forgive them in our hearts and then turn around and protect our hearts afterwards.  My dad is a perfect example of this: constantly in and out, acting like he cares, then proving that he doesn’t.  I have held a grudge in my heart and no matter how much I want to forgive him, he will continue to hurt me with every time I try to allow him back into my life.  In situations like this, I think the best thing to do is pray that they might someday realize how their actions and their prideful attitudes hurt people who matter.  I don’t think it’s our place to try to get them to see that they are hurting you – but it’s your place to not hold resentful and negative feelings towards them.  The negative feelings of holding things like this towards anybody in your heart brings such negativity to your life, that it’s not even worth it.  In the end, being a prideful person is only going to hurt YOU.

Continuing on with having things offend me, and people’s words hurt me – I tend to be offended, but I also try to realize that sometimes people say things out of ignorance and they usually have their own issues that they need to deal with.  Racist comments, which I’ve heard a lot of lately, highly offend me.  Instead of lashing out and holding a grudge and being angry and bitter inside, I find myself telling myself that unfortunately there are very close minded people who have their own prideful issues within them.  Having a mindset like that is what I’m grasping is the opposite of being a proud person. It is not our place to point that out or fix them – all we can honestly do is pray for them.  Heck, if I grasped hate in my heart towards every person who offends me then I really wouldn’t have much left in my life.  As for the people who hold hate in their heart towards me, that’s really none of my business right?  I have to realize that that’s their own issues that they have to work through.

I’m realizing that this topic of pride is HUGE.  There’s so many curves and roads I can travel on to press into this topic even further, which I just might do.

A different outlook, a new path – my life.

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It’s very easy for me to allow life to get in the way of my faith.  Not a statement I’m very proud of, and definitely not a statement I enjoy being able to say.  But it’s a truth for me.

Today I finally took the plunge and went back to church.  I needed it.  I needed to hear whatever message would be awaiting me – and THANK GOODNESS I did.  Every message in every class was like this amazing breath of fresh air – the kind you didn’t know you really needed until your soul expanded with it.

My journey with church really hasn’t been a very long one.  I just can’t count my childhood experiences with church in my journey, because it wasn’t stable, consistent, nor did it have much of my thoughts and heart into it.  Back in 2007 when my family first started going to church I found myself molding very quickly in the “Mormon” form.  I think that I molded into what was expected of me so quickly that it just was too much for me.  I actually found myself being overwhelmed with it all, and when I’m overwhelmed I tend to want to turn around and walk the other way.

I started to compare myself to others at my church, realize that my thoughts will never be like theirs {funny I even thought I KNEW what their thoughts are}, and found myself not agreeing with certain aspects of the church.  I do 110% with all of my heart and soul believe in the Mormon church – there has never, ever, EVER in my entire life ever held one ounce of doubt on that being what I believe to be the church of Jesus Christ.  HOWEVER…. certain things that the church was putting energy into just really bugged and annoyed me.  One example: Proposition 8 – I don’t believe that our church needed to put forth so much effort in trying to stop gay people from getting married – I don’t share the same views on this as the majority of my church does.  I don’t see anything wrong with allowing them to be married, to be happy – who are we to stop that?  I didn’t like how I felt like certain members held themselves at a higher level than other people.  These were the things I struggled with.

I’ve had a lot of time to ponder things and I think it took me a while to realize that NONE of the above matters.  Those are things that are happening in not only my church, but a heck of a lot of other churches as well.  At the end of the day all that matters is my relationship with Heavenly Father and my example to my children.  I don’t need to worry about the social aspect of the church, the people of the church, some of the things the church does that I don’t agree with – all that matters is that I am there with my children to soak in whatever message Heavenly Father has for me and to give my children the values that I think are important.  And I have no problems with being ME while going to church.  I’m not perfect, I never will be – and I’m not going to change me.  I’ll continue to grow inside and keep the principles that are so important within me, but I’m not going to completely change who I am just to go to church.  I’m going continue watching R rated movies, and reading books that have hot as hell scenes in them.  I’m not going to stop doing the things I don’t have an issue with – and this is what I believe separates me from the majority of the members of my church.

So – I’m here at a new road in this journey, with a different outlook and attitude for it.

I feel so good about how my life is going right now.  Gino and I have been setting some amazing goals to tackle together and are continuing to just grow closer and closer together as a married couple.  Marriage is definitely not a walk in the park, but I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness that we are so blessed to be rewarded with happiness together for sticking with each other through all of the hard times.

The exciting thing about life, is we each have our very own; we each get to direct our own courses.  I love that what’s constraining for me might be an area of expertise on the people close in my life, and vice versa – I love this because together the people who are amazing forces in our lives are people who we can learn so much from.  I hope through my life’s journey I might be able to enlighten my friends and families on values and philosophies that I learn along the way just as I have learned from them – and continue to learn.

I am one lucky person to be surrounded by so many inspiring and selfless people on this journey in life that I am venturing on.  I love each and every one of you who have ever put any sort of profound effect on my life.  Everyone always enters our life for a reason, and Heavenly Father uses us all as tools to help Him do his work on this earth.  I want to be able to look back at my life one day and smile knowing that I was aware of the different lessons and attributes that each soul bestowed into my life.

 

Some of God’s greatest gifts – unanswered prayers

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The days are long, but the years are short.

Funny how true this quote is. Lately it seems like I’m tapping my fingers WAITING for bedtime, then I turn around and wonder how in the world is my baby turning 2 this year?! How in the world is my baby starting Kindergarten this year?! How in the world is my baby turning into such a handsome young man?!

When I was in highschool I had this dreamy vision of my life – New York City, High end accounting firm, living the fast paced life. It WAS going to happen.

Today I haven’t showered, I’ve been in my gym clothes since 3:00pm, pajamas before that – I’m rugged, no makeup ever graced my face, and I’m shocked as all hell that after this day I managed to floss AND brush my teeth today. At around the time that I’d probably be in some gorgeous board room, with exquisite chairs that have foam that remembers how my ass likes to feel in it, I was teaching my child pronouns. My plans changed SO much. My plans that I thought I wanted…. turned into what I realize my true dream was.

I’ve been thinking back on things that I really thought were going to happen, and things I thought I would accomplish by a certain age. My life was planned out by the time I was 16 – I knew who I was going to marry, what college I would be applying to, what career was going to make me the big bucks, and the city I would live in. It’s funny that not ONE of those things have happened. Starting with the boy – it’s amazing to me to see that what I thought was one of the most life crushing heartbreaks of my life, was just the entry way to my true destiny and happiness. What we truly think we deserve in life isn’t always what God has planned out for us – this I’m certain of.

New York City? HA! The town I’m living in I can walk from one end to the other within 15 minutes probably seeing a couple of people I know. There’s only 3 stop lights and there’s a little bar down the street that every once in a while you’ll see a horse parked out in front of. Definitely not New York City.

I don’t regret a single thing. I don’t regret my heart aches, and I definitely don’t regret not living my fast paced life in New York City, because here I sit the mama of 3 of the most beautiful little souls I could have ever asked for. I have been given the blessing to be able to be at home teaching them the things they need to learn from their mama. When I get frustrated in my long days with them, I really need to remember how blessed I am to be able to have them ask me ten million questions, because I could be holed up in an office in the middle of a busy tax time not being able to spend one hour of the day with them. I really need to treasure the messes, the loudness, the cuteness, the frustrations, and every second of my days with them. Because whether I realize it or not, the years are fluttering by fast and soon it will be quiet when once I heard screams, laughter and commotion. I won’t hear the pitter patter of feet running across my ceiling when they’re SUPPOSED to be sleeping. It’ll just be me, my rock star of a husband and our quiet thoughts and memories. These little people of mine have an amazing, fresh start at life that is so full of possibilities, dreams, and wishes. I have to remember that I as their mom have the sole duty of slowing down and making sure that I’m here to fully embrace their desires and help them fulfill their dreams. It is my duty as their mom to not get so frustrated over the little things in life, and the messes that stress me out, because honestly…. what’s the big deal?

All of my plans changed over one boy. One boy who wasn’t in my plans. One boy who swooped in to heal my broken heart. One boy who ended up being the best damn thing that ever happened to me. Together we have formed this life that I can’t help but be so proud of. We’ve got to travel down many different roads together as a couple – some unmarried, unhappy, and ready to throw in the towel – some happy, married and living in bliss. There’s been roads we’ve traveled down that I could have done without, but I know if we didn’t travel down those bumpy, rocky roads and experience the pain and loss and heartaches that we have together, we wouldn’t be us. My life as I know it starts with this boy – this boy I never knew would end up being my soul mate and the best damn partner in this crazy life of mine.

Through all of these detours in my dreams, somehow, some way – one of those dreams has fluttered back into my life. I applied to Southern Oregon University today after spending the last 2 years working towards the credits needed to enter the school of business there to FINALLY reach my dream of becoming a CPA. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get to this point – kids, a husband, a house to run – but I’m here! I don’t know if we’ll ever end up leaving our little havenous place we’ve found here in Oregon to move to New York for the remainder of my dreams to unfold. No matter what, all that matters is that I have this amazing family of mine backing me up every step of the way.

Some of God’s greatest gifts TRULY are unanswered prayers.

Um… anxiety much?

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We’re waiting to hear on this house. This house is THE house for us… the perfect, beautiful backyard with a porch that puts warm fuzzies all over my body! There’s planter boxes for gardens, a peach tree…. and basically I have all of my hopes and dreams into this place.

The waiting game is KILLING ME!!!!!! I just want a phone call that says…. yup, it’s YOU and YOU and your family will get to have the summer BBQs while watching your kids play in the back…. you’ll finally be able to cook in a kitchen that you aren’t suffocated in.

With every day of waiting that I have to go through, my heart is freaking aching.

I know that everything that is meant to be will be…. I live by this, and try not to get too let down on certain things. It’s just that I got my hopes so high, and my heart so set that the let down will be crushing. I really want the fun summer out back, with our lemonades, treasure hunts, gardening, and peach picking. I’ve used the Secret to the best of my capability, and am scared that any doubt I’ve put into my head has hurt our chances.

If you’re reading this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE say a quick prayer that we DO get this house!!

Day 1 – Peace

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I don’t know if life gets much more peaceful than this right here. Oh, my Ella. My first daughter, and the girl that holds my heart in a way no other girl could EVER hold it. I love her so dang much.

She’s such a diva…. she’s so into girly things, yet needs her pixie dust to get through life. My bathroom is literally covered in glitter right now, because she needed not only her mascara today, but her pixie dust. She’s so grown up for a 4 year old, yet so adorably young in her little heart.

My goodness I was blessed more than I realized the day I found out I was pregnant with her…. I love her so dang much.

Smile on my face…… and a really full heart

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My house is quiet.  The only sounds are the Adele pandora station – and that’s it.  I sucked as a mom today.  There was a lot of TV watching, a lot of… give me a minute, give me a minute, give me a minute.

With this quietness, I kinda want to rewind.  I want to sit on the floor and forget about everything I’ve put off for days while I’ve been going through my miscarriage, and put one more day off…. one more day to just give them 110% of me.

I don’t like mommy guilt.

I don’t like mommy guilt one dang bit!

I need to be better about time allocation, and making sure that before anything… my kids feel like they have their mama’s attention whenever they need it.  I read a quote on Pinterest the other day that I can’t stop thinking about.  A quote that is so dang true, and I needed the reminder…. isn’t it funny how Pinterest can do that for you?

Right?! There are so many times I read some sort of parenting quote on Facebook and I just cringe inside, because I think…..crap, I so suck. BUT I don’t – I need to remind myself that it’s hard to be at home with your children 100% of the time. There are times that you have to step aside and take care of the things that you have to take care of. I think my struggles lately have come from the fact that every time I DO try to sit down and get some work done, my girls are in my face not letting me….. they don’t like to play. I DON’T GET IT! Ella wants to constantly be doing things I’m doing and she has this world of amazing toys, and she doesn’t want to touch them. So then I feel guilty, and then I start to question myself as a parent when I’m like….. MOVIE TIME!!!!! I need to get the heck over it, because I watched a hell of a lot of TV, and guess what…. I’m okay. These kids aren’t constantly in front of a TV, but when you are home 100% of the time, it’s OKAY to stick a movie on and get some dang work done!

Okay…. so, here’s my deal right now. My blog has been an issue for me.

I got REALLY, and I mean REALLY caught up in the blogging for others. I of course wanted readers, and cared what people thought, and was careful about what I blogged about…. and then I just stopped. I stopped blogging. That’s not okay with me, because blogging is therapeutic to me.

So – I’ve sortof gotten to that point where I NEED to blog again…. I need to pour my heart out and let it be for me. If my blog post inspires you, GREAT – that makes me happy, but if it only inspires me, or soothes me… that’s okay. That’s what this blog is for. For me.

SO – expect more regular postings, because I have blog guilt lately too – I feel like Aliyah’s entire life has passed by and I haven’t blogged hardly a single thing.

I’ve had this desire in me to write lately. My family has always said I should write a book, but I struggle with this…. I can’t imagine myself writing a fictional novel. I LOVE reading my fictional books, and live to read all of my indie author’s books {I actually don’t read anything else anymore}, but that’s not me. I imagine myself writing an inspirational book – a book to inspire people to push themselves to try a little harder and boost their quality of life, because it’s in them. I have the words… I know they’re there. But I’M just not there yet. So, in the meantime, I’ll put it all here. Maybe become obsessed with slam poetry and start going to live slam poetry readings, because goodness it’s amazing stuff.

I might have just gone through a really hard tragedy, but I feel so dang blessed right now. I have a smile on my face, and a really full heart.

My first SLAM – You Left Me

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I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand why we continue to be given the same challenge in life over and over again.

A challenge that I hate to go through,

A challenge I detest

We’re going through our 3rd miscarriage.

This baby wasn’t planned.

I was furious when I found out.

But then things changed – and I started to dream, and to love, and to hope.

But then I was left empty, I was left hopeless and my dreams were shattered.

I hate the pity,

I hate the difference towards me,

I hate how people think it’s better off avoiding me,

because they don’t know what to say to me.

Why can’t people just treat me normal?

I’m still me – just tainted with what some might see as some disease.

I saw the heartbeat up on the screen.  The amount of love that welled up in me was not what I had expected.

See, a baby with a toddler just seemed overwhelming, but I realized that my heart was sure enough growing.

I loved the pitter patter, and started to dream and then I got the news….

you left me

you left me empty,

you left me missing,

you left me dreamless,

you left me

So here I sit realizing that dreams change, plans dissolve, but life surely must go on.

I’ve found myself missing the three babies God took from me,

I’ve found my reasons to smile in the three babies God entrusted with me.

There’s nothing easy about losing a baby,

There is however an amazing amount of strength that you discover.

So, yes, you left me –

you left me empty, yet full of love.

you left me dreamless, yet full of hope.

you left me missing, and this, my baby, will always remain.

I will miss you forever and love you the same.

 

I want to give a special thank you to {Colleen Hoover}, the author of Slammed & Point of Retreat – thank you for inspiring me to SLAM my feelings out.