I sat down last night and typed out a very heartfelt post.  If you’ve ever read my Pour Your Heart Out posts before this was the topper of pouring it all out.  I hit publish, closed the computer and went to bed.  And it’s not here.  It’s not in my drafts…. it’s just GONE.

I’ve been going through different emotions lately and I’m starting to realize that these feelings are more than likely due to postpartum.  I get this rush of emotions and I can’t decipher if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.  At times I really think that the emotions I’m feeling are happiness, and other times I think it’s anxiety.  I despise anxiety and really hope that I’m not getting anxiety issues again.

I’m starting to come to the realization that I might possibly have ADHD.  I am constantly noticing symptoms of this and one of the biggest ones is changing subjects mid sentence.  I am notorious for this.  I have other symptoms as well, actually a lot, but the changing subjects mid sentence is highly annoying.  I don’t even know how to go about getting tested for this and really don’t even want to.  But I’m noticing, and that’s a start to a solution, right?

I miss my sister.

I miss her so much that it hurts.  But I miss the girl that was my sister unconditionally and believed me over girls that scream drama.  I miss the girl that I would spend hours throughout my day on the phone with.  I miss the girl that would call me for advice on parenting among other things.  I miss my sister, and I’m sad that my sister is probably not even the same girl as she was before.  It’s been over a year since we’ve talked.  While my heart has hurt through the whole thing, I know her’s hasn’t even been phased.  I will never understand how you could ever put anybody over your own sister…. never.  Sisters are supposed to be forever.

Today I went back to church.  It’s been about year since I was consistently going and today was the beginning of me getting back into that.  I have to be there not only for me, not only for my family, but for my children.  They need this in their lives.  The need the gospel to be a constant thing that is always there and always in their lives.  With how much dysfunction we have in our family, there’s no stability there. Especially with the crap that my inlaws recently pulled and then cut us and our children out of their lives forever because they have no sense of respect for space or family ~ perfect example of DYSFUNCTION All our kids have is us and the gospel and we have to be as constant as we possibly can.  I wish that my children had the blessing of this big, happy family, but they don’t.  It’s something we will eventually build together, but until then it’s just us and our happiness.  At least they have a happy home, right?

I know that I really push positivity on my blog, and every once in a while I put a little peek into my dysfunctional world on here ~ it’s the havoc in my enchanting life.  If I didn’t strive so hard and focus on positive things I would probably be in a very dark place all because of family.  I would stoop to other’s levels, and the end result would be me not being happy.  That is why I am so positive here, that is why I am constantly showing others that YES, YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST LIFE EVER, BUT YOU CAN CREATE HAPPINESS. I’m a prime example of pure havoc turn happy.  My family is so here, there and everywhere with hardly anyone talking to each other, but I wake up and I smile and I put one foot in front of the other and put my focus where it needs to be…. with my husband, my children and myself, and as of today back into the gospel.  Where it matters most.