I’ve been going through an array of mixed feelings lately, and I’m not sure what to make of them. I’m struggling with my brother, and feel hate, pity, sadness, love and it’s frustrating. When I think of him I think of him as a little boy and I shouldn’t do that. I think about the time that his dad came to get him when he was only 5 years old (little did I know I wouldn’t see him again until he was 12) and he hid in the closet because he didn’t want to go.

I need to stop thinking about that little boy hiding in the closet, because he has turned into something that I think is despicable. He moved here in August to get his life together. He’s definitely not done that. He managed to get a girl pregnant and now has nothing to do with her, so Gino and I are doing everything we can to help her out, because that is our niece or nephew. Gino and I have had so many conversations about this and it sickens both of us how he can just turn his back on his own flesh and blood because he’d rather have a “FREAKY” girl as he said. When you have 2 kids with 2 different girls, it’s time to stop. Stop trying to hustle the world. Stop trying to meet a million girls on myspace…. and then end up with my husband’s cousin who is just as ghetto as he is, with 5 kids and lives 10 hours away from here. Real logical. It’s time to grow up, get a job, pay child support and have good impact on BOTH of your kid’s lives.

I don’t like the hateful feelings that I have right now. It bugs me, and I’m trying not to even think about him and his stupidity, but it’s hard. The kid lived a hard life and was tossed around and unfortunately, caused him a lot of damage and that’s too bad, because now he has kids and that damage will end up effecting them. Such a sick, vicious cycle. Definitely makes me want to do my kids right by giving them a good life, being a good mom and keeping them in church.

I’ve tried waking up and reading scriptures, or a good Ensign article that will hopefully help me out, and it works, but I’m still struggling. Hate is something that I don’t want to have in my heart, and I hope that I can eventually conquer it.