Author Archives: Amanda

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 8

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Day 8 ~ Someone who has made my life hell or treated me like crap

Throughout my life I’ve had my fair share of people who have treated me like crap. The thing is they have never made my life hell. Allowing somebody to have the power to do that to YOUR life is just unimaginable, so the only person to blame for my life ever feeling like hell is myself.

Now treating me like crap ~ that one special someone is hands down my “sister”. It’s really unfortunate that she hasn’t grown up yet, and has extreme immature issues. She lives her life being evil, acting childish, and making people who actually care about her feel like CRAP. She doesn’t have this effect on me anymore, and never will. But there have been many times in my life, that with her vindictive ways she’s made me feel like crap, but I don’t blame her. I blame myself for allowing her to have that effect on me.

I guess in a way I should thank her, because she has helped me discover how not to be effected by hateful people. I try very hard to not live with hate in my heart, and she’s a prime example of what I don’t want to be. So, thank you, Jessica ~ and for the record, when you grow up and have ceased in your childish games I’ll be here. But you will never hurt me again.
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30 Days of Truth ~ Day 7

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Day 7 ~ Someone who has made your life worth living for

I can’t just choose a “someone” because what has made my life worth living for is my family as a unit. This includes my children and my husband. They are my purpose in everything that I do, and without them I don’t know where I’d be in my life.

My husband is my rock. He’s been the single most stable thing I’ve ever had in my life. He has been through literally my lowest low and my highest high. I might not make it clear how much I appreciate him on a daily basis, but I do. Without him I wouldn’t be the me that I’ve grown to love. He is definitely worth living for. He’s my best friend.

My children complete who I am as a person. They have taught me how to be unselfish, and have given me what I believe is my purpose on this earth. I’m sure that Heavenly Father has other reasons for me, but right now…. My life is for them. I’m determined to be the mom that they deserve, and that they are taught all of the values and morals in this life that will make them good people…. and that to me is worth living for. Their smiles are worth living for. Their sweet souls are worth living for.

My family is worth living for.
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30 Days of Truth ~ Days 5 & 6

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These are short little snippit posts, so I decided to combine 2 days into 1

Day 5 ~ Something you hope to do in your life

I say hope, but this is achievable and I WILL get there, and I WILL make it happened. In my life I want to be sealed in the LDS temple to my family.

Day 6 ~ Something you hope you never have to do

Bury one of my children. That is a pain I don’t think I could bear, and I pray that I never have to feel what it’s like. It’s a subject I can’t even elaborate on even a tiny bit, because it literally makes me want to sit here and cry.

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Mommy Guilt Sucks

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This little guy used to be the center of my world entirely…. him and him only. He was the only baby in our family. My brother and sister hadn’t had children yet and the next baby in the family {my nephew} didn’t come until Jayden was 5. That’s 5 years of being spoiled by not only his mom & dad but my mom, my brother, and my husband’s family.


When he was 6 the next baby of the family came and that baby came directly to our little family. Miss Ella Bella.

I love how my family is growing, honestly I do ~ and the fact that we’re adding yet another to our family is beyond exciting. But my little man just keeps growing up, and our family just keeps growing. I can’t help but worry is he getting lost in the shuffle? Ever since Ella was born a lot of attention has been put on her, because of her heart. I hope I’ve never made Jayden feel like he wasn’t special or important, because he is still my everything. He is still and always be my first born, and he will always be the center of my world…. This little man changed my life for the better the minute I felt him move inside me.

I think that I need to do more things with just him so that he feels special.

Now to elaborate a little more on this….

Jayden’s growing up. He’s going to be 9 in a month and he’s much more independent than his 3 year old little sister. When I’m home she literally consumes me. Ella and I have spent the last 3 years together day in and day out. She’s venturing into being little miss independent and she needs constant supervision. And now there’s going to be a newborn in a few months ~ and I’m terrified that Jayden is going to not feel important…. And I need to make sure that this doesn’t happen! I need to make sure that everyday I am making him feel special and important in some way…. And that he gets alone time with me w/no other children getting in the way.

To top all of this off, tonight as I’m frustrated and trying to get Ella to bed and my frustrations were apparently showing, Jayden says to me, “Geez! What did I ever do to you? Why do you keep yelling at me?”

*GASP* was I yelling? I didn’t even realize I was yelling. I knew I felt frustrated, but in no way shape or form was it towards him. I had to grab him, hug him and apologize right then and there, because I deserved the BAD MOM award for that one.

Am I alone in feeling like this with my children?

Welcome to another week of me pouring my heart out.


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30 Days of Truth ~ Day 4

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Day 4 Something you have to forgive someone for

I don’t have a dad. I have a man that lives 7 miles away from me and doesn’t give a rat’s ass that I exist and is referred to as my sperm donor. This man is honestly a waste of space in my honest opinion and I know that I have hatred deep down inside for him not caring about me.

Probably the best thing he ever did was get fixed, because he has 4 daughters on this earth with 4 different women. The only daughter that really truly means anything to him is his youngest. The only one I don’t have a relationship with, because I don’t know her.

I need to forgive him in my heart for never being there for me in my life. I need to forgive him in my heart for not making me feel like I ever mattered…. I’ve always come last and now my kids do as well.

I do not want a relationship with this man. I don’t want my children to know him….. ever. I do need to forgive him and hold no more grudges. I need to do that, because that is right thing to do and if I want to ever be forgiven for the things I have done on this earth I need to forgive everybody ~ including my sperm donor.

Forgiveness does not mean that I am inviting him back into my life, because I have made the decision that I can’t have him as an alcoholic around my family. I cannot have him being so unstable around my family ~ my children deserve better than that and they should never feel like they are not important. And that’s what that man does.

I’ve got a lot of prayin’ to do about this, because forgiveness does not come easy.

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Dear Old Followers…. I miss you ~ but you can follow again!

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Lately I think I’m pretty much blogging for my eyes only. I have lots going on in this brain of mine too, because I spend a lot and I mean 7 HOURS of alone time a day. You can only imagine that things I’m cooking up in my brain. Unfortunately, since garibaysoup.com is not mine and all of my followers {and comments} are on that domain I pretty much don’t think I have any readers…..

and I MISS ALL OF MY READERS!

BUT that’s not stopping me. I’m determined to get my domain back and was REALLY close, but now the people I have to talk to suck at getting back to you. So, I’m sortof at a stand still…. Yet I’m still blogging. So, I took off my old follow gadget off, which had all of my followers from Garibaysoup.com and now we’re at a good ol’ fresh ZERO followers….. but at least now anybody new that shows up over here can FOLLOW until I get my stupid domain situation fixed.

Seriously…. Don’t EVER EVER EVER let your domain lapse ~ whatever you do!

SO ~ if you like coming here or used to follow me before you can join again. So you won’t miss any of the oh so exciting stuff I have going on…. Like the 30 Days of Truth.

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My Birthday Princess ~ She’s 3!

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There’s something I love about this little girl that I can’t even begin to put into words. These past 3 years have been overwhelmingly perfect. The moment that I looked into her eyes I knew that I would love her and she would always be my little friend. I knew that she would fit perfect in our crazy, dysfunctional family….

and she does. She fit right in like a little puzzle piece. Watching her grow into the little girl that she’s growing into has been pure delight. She’s all girl, but can definitely take her brother down to the ground. She loves to do her makeup, paint her nails, and play with her best friend, Ruthie. She’d rather dig in the dirt than play with her toys, and I still can get her to snuggle with her mama.

She’s everything I’ve dreamed of and more.

She’s my princess, and she’s made these past 3 years of my life amazing.

Dear Ella,
As I watch you grow into a little girl from a baby I find myself wanting to be even closer to you. I soak up every second and love to breathe you in as we snuggle. I know that these days where you’re my little girl won’t be here for long. Soon I’ll no longer be the best part of your day, but just your mom. I want to treasure these moments that I have with you forever, because you’ll never know how much they mean to me.
I love your personality. I love how your eyes literally light up when you are excited. I love how much you love your family, how much you look up to your brother, and your love for church. You are my little best friend, Ella, and I as you grow and get older I want to make sure that you always know that I’ll always be your Mama and you will always be my baby girl.
Love, Mama.

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30 Days of Truth ~ Day 3

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Something you have to forgive YOURSELF for

I left the medicine without a childproof cap on the counter. 

I left the medicine on the counter that almost took my daughter’s life a little over a year ago on the flipping counter.

Why didn’t I put it up high where she had no access to it? 

I still have days where I look at her and just have to grab her and hug her and thank God for not taking her from me.  I still have days where I think about the look that was on her face when I thought she was dead and I can’t help but cry. 

I almost killed my daughter by a very scary mistake.  And I hold this horrible pain and guilt inside of me because of it.  I try to look at the beautiful blessing that she’s here with us, she’s beautiful, she’s thriving, she’s growing, and she’s not effected by this mistake in any way…. but there was a good 5 minutes of my life that I thought my daughter was dead.  There was a moment in my life where I heard codes being called on her in the hospital and doctors and nurses rushing in ~ and all I could do was drop my head and pray like I have NEVER prayed in my entire life.  In my head she was gone… and I truly didn’t know how I was going to go on.  I didn’t know how I was going to get out of bed every day.  I didn’t know how I was going to go on without seeing her beautiful smile that literally melts every ounce of my soul.

How could I survive without this face

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I have to forgive myself for this. I have to take it as a lesson learned that they do climb, and all it takes is literally 2 seconds of your back being turned for a life altering disaster to happen.
TO READ THE POST I WROTE WHEN THIS HAPPENED{CLICK HERE}
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