I sat down last night and typed out a very heartfelt post.  If you’ve ever read my Pour Your Heart Out posts before this was the topper of pouring it all out.  I hit publish, closed the computer and went to bed.  And it’s not here.  It’s not in my drafts…. it’s just GONE.

I’ve been going through different emotions lately and I’m starting to realize that these feelings are more than likely due to postpartum.  I get this rush of emotions and I can’t decipher if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.  At times I really think that the emotions I’m feeling are happiness, and other times I think it’s anxiety.  I despise anxiety and really hope that I’m not getting anxiety issues again.

I’m starting to come to the realization that I might possibly have ADHD.  I am constantly noticing symptoms of this and one of the biggest ones is changing subjects mid sentence.  I am notorious for this.  I have other symptoms as well, actually a lot, but the changing subjects mid sentence is highly annoying.  I don’t even know how to go about getting tested for this and really don’t even want to.  But I’m noticing, and that’s a start to a solution, right?

I miss my sister.

I miss her so much that it hurts.  But I miss the girl that was my sister unconditionally and believed me over girls that scream drama.  I miss the girl that I would spend hours throughout my day on the phone with.  I miss the girl that would call me for advice on parenting among other things.  I miss my sister, and I’m sad that my sister is probably not even the same girl as she was before.  It’s been over a year since we’ve talked.  While my heart has hurt through the whole thing, I know her’s hasn’t even been phased.  I will never understand how you could ever put anybody over your own sister…. never.  Sisters are supposed to be forever.

Today I went back to church.  It’s been about year since I was consistently going and today was the beginning of me getting back into that.  I have to be there not only for me, not only for my family, but for my children.  They need this in their lives.  The need the gospel to be a constant thing that is always there and always in their lives.  With how much dysfunction we have in our family, there’s no stability there. Especially with the crap that my inlaws recently pulled and then cut us and our children out of their lives forever because they have no sense of respect for space or family ~ perfect example of DYSFUNCTION All our kids have is us and the gospel and we have to be as constant as we possibly can.  I wish that my children had the blessing of this big, happy family, but they don’t.  It’s something we will eventually build together, but until then it’s just us and our happiness.  At least they have a happy home, right?

I know that I really push positivity on my blog, and every once in a while I put a little peek into my dysfunctional world on here ~ it’s the havoc in my enchanting life.  If I didn’t strive so hard and focus on positive things I would probably be in a very dark place all because of family.  I would stoop to other’s levels, and the end result would be me not being happy.  That is why I am so positive here, that is why I am constantly showing others that YES, YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST LIFE EVER, BUT YOU CAN CREATE HAPPINESS. I’m a prime example of pure havoc turn happy.  My family is so here, there and everywhere with hardly anyone talking to each other, but I wake up and I smile and I put one foot in front of the other and put my focus where it needs to be…. with my husband, my children and myself, and as of today back into the gospel.  Where it matters most.

As I was walking into a building I caught a glimpse of myself.  My reflection showed me what other people see.  A girl toting around 2 children with a baby strapped to her chest.

I saw myself as a mother.  Something I know I am, but don’t literally “see” very often.

I liked what I saw.  I felt this over powering feeling of peace in my soul.

I loved what I saw.

It prompted me to reflect on where I am now and where I expected myself to be.

I was supposed to be the executive girl.  I was supposed to work and NEVER be a stay at home mom.  I was supposed to have two kids tops.  And here I am…..

A full time college student at the age of 28, a stay at home mom of 3 and happier than I think I’ve ever been in my entire life.

When I saw my reflection I saw a person I am proud to be.  And it made me reflect on my post I wrote a year ago today on {Personal Development}.  I think that I could have definitely done more on my personal development, but I am proud to say that I have grown leaps and bounds this past year.  I’m becoming much more happier with who I am and who I am growing into.

With this being said, I would like to continue on this journey that I started last year. I am dedicating this year to another beautiful year of personal development. Below is the same blueprint I mapped out for myself last year. Why fix something that isn’t broken, right?

SELF:

~ Read at least 10 pages of motivational reading EVERY DAY
~ Plan out my days…. do not wing it!
~ Spend 20 minutes every day silencing my mind
~ Scripture reading every day
~ Avoid any and all negativity! Gossip, downers, complainers… you get the point.

FAMILY:

~ Ensure that my family goes to church EVERY SUNDAY
~ Preplan and have Family Home Evening EVERY MONDAY
~ Make sure that I set time aside that is ONLY for the kids
~ Make sure that I set time aside that is ONLY for my husband
~ Make sure that I set time aside that is ONLY for us as a family

The above is simple, little things that will help with my Personal Growth. There’s a reason for each item I listed. They’re not resolutions… they’re a blueprint for me to reflect throughout the year how I can continue on my personal growth.

I hope that I can inspire my readers to embark on focusing a little more on themselves. We all have room to grow, and through focusing on personal development we can do just that. On Mondays I will be focusing my Motivating Monday on sharing things that will inspire you in regards to personal development.

Happy New Years to my readers, I appreciate every visit you make to my blog…. whether you comment or not. I hope that in some way this past year I have inspired you in some way. I hope that the positivity I try to convey here has brightened your days. I hope to see you back throughout this next year and I hope that 2011 is everything you wish for.

Christmas ~ one of my most favorite holidays EVER. I love the magic that is lit up inside of my children, I love teaching them about Jesus and everything that he has done and will do for us. I love being together as a family and being thankful for the blessings in our life.

Christmas is my most favorite time of year.  Especially when I can get pictures like this…..

We had our typical Christmas, wake up and run downstairs to see what Santa has brought, and then head up to my grandparent’s for a delicious meal and time with my dad’s side of the family.

Just a week before Christmas my grandmother {father’s mother} had a mastectomy done sortof on the down low. They really wanted to keep it hush hush and somebody leaked it on Facebook and I found out. She was her normal self at Christmas and is doing amazingly well for the major surgery she just went through.

I live about a mile away from my grandparents and don’t go up to see them as much as I should. I love my grandparents and I HAVE to go up at LEAST once a month to visit with them. Especially since they are getting old.

Here’s Aliyah with her Great-grandparents

And then we attempted to take a family picture since we don’t have one so I had my cousin try with my camera.  I still need to get some done so I can get them printed {faces will be blurry on a print} but here’s our family on Christmas up at my grandparent’s property.