Life is busy–but I am lovin it!

Posted on June 19, 2011 by Amanda

I’m finally on a break from school and have been even busier than ever! We had my brother & sister in law come up to stay with us for a few days – best decision I’ve ever made. I think we both got to know each other in ways we didn’t really know before. I’d say our relationship prior to this may have been a little generic – we didn’t really KNOW each other…… and now we do.

I did a photoshoot of them for my father in law for father’s day. Can’t wait to see the look on his face when he sees the pictures.

Speaking of photoshoots, I have been BUSY with them lately!!! Definitely a great and exciting thing, and every time I do one I realize that this is definitely what I want for my life. I may be getting that degree in accounting right now, but photography is what makes me happy – photography is what I can see myself doing forever.

Aliyah’s 6 months now – actually 6 1/2 – she says “Hi” and a couple of times we’ve heard her try to say “Mama.” I think our entire family is head over heels for her. Actually I think even my camera is head over heels for her, because THIS is what it gets to capture. Pretty much no words needed….

My Heart is Opening

Posted on February 4, 2011 by Amanda

I have always been very stingy on my love with family. I hold myself back and feel weird about relationships that weren’t always there.

It’s absolutely a HUGE downfall of me.

I’m trying to change though and I think through all of my growing as a person I’ve been doing this past year I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve needed and wanted to get to.

This is me with 2 of 3 my sisters from my father. The one in the middle, Alyssa, I’ve been fairly close to the majority of her life. She’s the third of my dad’s. She’s the one sister from him that I had somewhat of a bond with. Then the one all the way to the right is Tiona. Tiona is only 12 and is my dad’s youngest, and while I’ve been around for the majority of her life past 2, I never allowed my heart to open up to her. Brittney isn’t in this picture, because she recently moved back to Tennessee, but I’m thankful to have started a relationship with her as well.

I’m being honest here, and sometimes honesty isn’t pretty.

I never claimed these girls as my sisters. I never had that “bond” that we’re supposed to have with sisters. I only claimed Jessica, my mom’s daughter. I felt awkward when these girls would call me sister and tell me they loved me.

I’m changing and I’m growing, because my heart is starting to open. These girls are my sisters. We may not share the same mom, and grew up in the same home, but they are my sisters. Maybe it took Jessica cutting me out of her life for me to realize this, but I am happy that I did.

With my family being in such turmoil lately and relationships falling apart I’ve made it my goal to reach each individual in my family that I’m not close with and learn about them, and grow our relationship.

I’m starting with these girls ~ my sisters.

Just a Motivating Monday ~ Forgiveness

Posted on January 31, 2011 by Amanda

I LOVE inspiring things to motivate me and I thought what better of a day to read inspiration than on dreadful Mondays. If you would like to write something you think will inspire or motivate others PLEASE grab the button and link up!! I’d love to read your words and I’m sure that others would as well!

This week I’m stealing from myself. This post has a portion of an old post that was originally posted for Just a Motivating Monday back on November 16, 2009. I stole the main jist of it and am going to add a different, updated final thought at the end. With that said……..

Everybody has been hurt by someone they love. Or maybe you hurt someone you love. The point is… we have to be able to forgive in our heart.

President Hinckley of the LDS Church once said in an article:

“Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way.”

I know it is so hard at times to forgive people, but are you perfect? Have you gone through your whole life not doing a thing wrong to someone? Have you been forgiven? Forgiving somebody, especially yourself can be one of the hardest things in this world to do. But if you are virtuous and want to be forgiven, you yourself MUST do this.

Tips to Forgive~

Pray to Heavenly Father and ask Him for His help. He can soften your heart and help you to forgive.

Get rid of the bitterness. If you’re still plotting out ways to get even the forgiving process is no where near.

Once you have forgiven, let it go. Don’t hold on to it, because that’s holding a grudge… which does not mean you have forgiven.

Don’t focus so much on the negative things that have happened to you. If you are focusing on the positive things in your life, and the positive things people have done for you, you will be able to forgive the negative things easier. There’s no point in holding on to negativity when there’s so much positivity to welcome into your heart.

You need to remember that when you are forgiving, it’s for you. It’s not for the person that did you wrong, but it is for you and your exaltation. It’s a process you must go through, and you will be forgiving others for you.

A very good friend of mine… you can find her on twitter @jenhoehne contributed to this post by saying:

“I think that forgiveness is one of those words like “love” that people use loosley. To truly forgive someone means you have let go of any ill will and no longer harbor feelings of anger or angst toward another person.

Forgiving ourselves goes hand in hand with forgiving others. We are often times harder on ourselves than the person or people we have wronged. Forgiving others means letting go of hurt they have caused you and forgiving yourself is learning to love yourself after you have caused another person pain. Both are crutial in the eternal realm of this life and critical to our salvation and prosperity hereafter.”

My Final Thoughts ~

I have people, very close people, do me wrong. They’ve said things to me that stabbed me in the heart and at one point I thought I’d never want them back in my life again. Reading my final thoughts from this post back in 2009 made me smile at who I’ve become and grown into. I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart, because I know that I’m not perfect. I know that horrible things can be said and done ~ but today can also be the first day of the rest of your life. Today can be a fresh start with a clear heart. None of us are perfect. You are not perfect. I am not perfect. We can grow from our mistakes, and we can start fresh today.

That is the beauty of forgiveness.

I’m traveling down a road of forgiveness and it feels so good. I’m even letting go of hurt feelings that I’ve clung onto for many years towards my dad. I’m forgiving and growing my relationship with him with a fresh slate. It feels amazingly wonderful.

I hope that this post in some way will inspire you to start on the road of forgiveness ~ most importantly for yourself.

I hate….

Posted on January 20, 2011 by Amanda

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of my in-laws.

I hate the drama that comes along with them.

I hate how they are always assuming I’m thinking one way, when they have no idea how I think or feel.

I hate how there’s always tension when they’re around.

I hate how I will never have the respect for them that I should have.

I hate how we will never be this happy, close family. Because even when I open my heart up, they find a way to get me to slam it shut towards them.

And I hate how my husband’s father just found out he has cancer.

What do you do when someone who no matter what doesn’t like you? My entire 10 years with my husband his family has had this attitude towards me like I think I’m too good for them. I don’t think this. My only issues are that they don’t put my children as a priority in their lives, and now look…. my kids’ grandpa could possibly be dying. My children love my in-laws…. LOVE THEM. I’ve never ONCE intended to EVER keep my children from them, but they think I always have this motive. They are the ones that put them on the back burner.

I hate having conditional family. I hate that if I speak up for myself I’m hated.

But even more so, I hate that my husband’s father is sick.

Sisters

Posted on December 20, 2010 by Amanda

Tonight I caught my girls looking quite delightful like this…………

and while snapping that picture, eyes closed and the quietness of our night began………

and my heart had the most peaceful feeling overcome it. These girls will always have each other. These girls will always be sisters, and will always have that life long best friend that every girl needs.

I didn’t expect the love to be alive so early. I prepared myself for jealousy, and resistance – I was blessed with love instead. These little moments shower me with a vision of the most delicious, delectable bond that my girls will have with each other.

My family doesn’t put relationships with each other in the highest importance. It’s so sad to me that in my family most relationships are damaged and treated like trash. I know it’s cruel to say, but it’s real. Even my own relationship with my sister is non existent. Not by my choice, because I love my little sister with every ounce of my soul. She’s my sister, she’s supposed to be my best friend. But unfortunately, she’s at a place right now where she doesn’t want her family. And that’s okay. All that we can do is be here for when she realizes that we’re here unconditionally…. we will all always love her; whether she realizes this in 6 months or 6 years.

With my family, my husbands family and the dysfunction we stem from, I am determined to give my children a solid FAMILY foundation. I don’t want my children to ever turn on each other, became hateful towards one another, and choose to destroy their relationships with each other.

I will never stand for it. PERIOD.

I want to always see my children like this with each other ~

and while I know things won’t always be perfect, I am determined for my children to realize and know in their heart how important they are to one another.

Pour Your Heart Out…. In Laws

Posted on December 8, 2010 by Amanda

Believe it or not I hate drama. I say believe it or not, because it seems like we ALWAYS have drama going on with family. So I’m here to pour it all out.

I’ve never had a good relationship with my inlaws. They have this preconceived idea in their minds about me, and it’s never changed. We’ve basically played fake with each other for the past 10 years. I’ve always known they didn’t like me, and with how they’ve treated me in the past…. sadly, I’ve never respected them.

The thing that gets me is the act they’ve put on with how wonderful they’ve been to my husband and his brother….. the people gave them a place to live and THAT IS IS. That’s not being a parent. What did they do to set them up for success in life? NOTHING. My husband turned 18 and for Christmas he got tubberware and basically a rush for him to move out so they could play house with his step-mom’s real children. Did they prepare him for college? NOPE. But they have this attitude that they have done so much for them. Sorry, but the fact that his dad is biologically his dad he had no choice….. and doing the absolute minimum for your children is not what I would call a fantastic father.

But the above is not my opinion, the above is my husband’s opinion. The above is how my husband has always felt. Marrying me and starting OUR family is where my husband has discovered what true parenting is really all about.

With that said – it seems that we are having a major issue here based on the fact that I wouldn’t allow my inlaws to camp out and take over my entire downstairs area with their 2 big, teenage children and themselves…. sleeping on my couch and literally making it so there is nowhere comfortable to sit, 4 DAYS AFTER I GIVE BIRTH TO MY DAUGHTER. The comments of “I don’t think you should even have to ask to visit family” makes me laugh. Um, I’m sorry you feel that way, but when you coming to visit actually means me basically not having a house then you bet your ass you’re gonna ask if you can come visit. On normal circumstances, it’s okay to come and visit and take over my entire downstairs of my house, of course with notice …. but 4 DAYS AFTER I GIVE BIRTH ~ I’m sorry, but even the idea entering your head that this would be okay is not okay to me.

I’m of course the devil who is brain washing my husband even though my husband is a grown man who has always had his own opinions on his family. He didn’t need any brain washing from me. I can’t help but giggle at the fact that they really think that.

To be honest, my husband I are so sick of family drama that we just can’t do it. My family is filled with it, now his family is filled with it and it’s just exhausting! Especially right after we have our baby and then her having to be admitted back into the hospital.

I can say this much…. moving to Oregon away from all of them was by far the smartest thing we ever did.

and then there were 5

Posted on December 5, 2010 by Amanda

Through my pregnancy I was absolutely terrified that this little girl would enter this world and I wouldn’t be able to love her like I love Jayden and Ella. I knew in my hear that this honestly in no way could even be possible, but I always had this small fear within me.

Aliyah came out and I thought WOW! She looks so much like Ella, and then I thought wait… she looks just like Jayden. Then we discovered her eyebrows, eyes & nose are literally Jayden’s features to the T! Then her mouth and cheeks are Ella to the T. I got this perfect little miracle that’s both of my kids combined into one.

Oh, and that fear of not loving her the same way vanished the minute I heard her cry. I am HEAD. OVER. HEELS. IN. LOVE!

Today Aliyah is 4 days old and she sleeps more than Ella & Jayden ever slept. I don’t know if this is because I’m nursing her instead of formula feeding. Speaking of nursing, it’s going amazingly well. I’ve heard basically horror story after horror story and was pretty scared going into it, but am so glad I chose to go with it. I don’t have a horror story yet, and hopefully don’t get one. It doesn’t hurt and she’s loving it, and I never thought I’d say this but I’m loving it too.

Jayden is loving her and always says in the cutest voice, “She’s just so adorable!” Ella has amazingly not shown one ounce of jealousy towards her new baby sister. I don’t really understand why things are going to smoothly and why everyone is just perfectly happy, but they are and we are.

A little snippet about the day that I had Aliyah ~ 4 hours after I had her my mom showed up at the hospital with my children. Ella walked in with this whole new attitude and I think I might have actually felt my heart break into two. She didn’t want to hug me, she didn’t show any interest in her sister, all in all I thought it was going to be a horrible experience. But then they handed Aliyah to Ella, and the look on her face in the pictures says so many things. Most of all it shows the months and months of anticipation that Ella has gone through and finally being able to see her baby sister and hold her in her arms was everything to her.

After analyzing her and realizing the reality of her having a baby sister she decided that she absolutely loves her and I think her face here pretty much screams that

Then there’s the superstar big brother. Jayden has melted my heart with not only Ella, but now Aliyah as well. I have this video of him at the hospital when he came to meet her and he’s singing a lullaby to her. I have to say that I am beyond blessed to have Jayden as my son. He loves his sisters, and his love is so big that you can just feel it radiating off of him.

Gino and I are completely different this time around. With Jayden we were REALLY young and clueless, and didn’t even really get along with each other. With Ella we were 110% more comfortable and better at the whole parenting thing since we’d been parents for 6 years already. This time around we feel like we’re pros. She’s just fit perfectly into the crazy little family life we have going on here, and I feel like we know even more on how to adjust to a newborn in our family. The only major difference this time around is I’m breastfeeding, but I’m actually finding that more enjoyable and easier than bottle feeding….. especially in the middle of the night.

I have had an over abundance of help between my husband and my amazing and beautiful friend that lives right next door. Gino took a month off of work and I’m so sad that this next week is his last week off. It’s pretty much a subject that I don’t really want to talk about too much, because I could cry.

I can’t believe I have 3 kids! I can’t believe we’re a family of 5! I love it…. I have always wanted a big family and Gino and I are fulfilling OUR dream, and that’s all that matters. Here’s our first family picture of us as a family of 5

The post where I talk about moving away from EVERYTHING

Posted on September 14, 2010 by Amanda

I’ve never felt like I belong where I’ve been in life. I sometimes imagine myself living in the south, eating fried foods and corn on the cob and listening to Sweet Home Alabama while I rock in rocker on my porch.

Other times I imagine myself living right on the coast. I never imagine the Pacific coast ~ I think more like Maine, or somewhere so far.

Then there’s the thrill I get inside when I imagine closing my eyes and pointing on a map and planting my roots there. Why not?

We started our lives and family together in Sacramento, California. I thought it was beautiful. I thought I was lucky to live in a city that was so close to the mountains, and so close to the ocean. I thought that seeing all of the trees all over the city and the beautiful rivers that flowed through it was like a painting out of a book.

I started to realize that Sacramento really isn’t all that beautiful. There’s a lot of havoc {and not Enchanting Havoc} and a lot of negativity. It’s expensive and it’s BIG. We had a lot of family and a lot of friends though and I just couldn’t imagine picking up my life and moving away from it.

So the idea of living in the South, the East Coast, or just randomly closing my eyes and picking a place was not an option. How could I leave everything I know and love?

I did it. It’s been 3 years, 5 months & 6 days since I packed up a Uhaul and made the leap… we were high tailing it out of the city and giving our kids the life we knew they deserved. And guess what?! We chose a place that is IN the mountains and the Ocean is still just a 2 hour drive away.

My kids didn’t deserve to have their mom working everyday and then arriving home just a couple of hours before bed time routine was to begin.

They didn’t deserve to live in a place where the gangs and ghetto life would eventually seep into their neighborhood. They need to feel safe.

They didn’t deserve to not be able to play out front and ride their bikes and walk happily to the park while waving at friendly neighbors.

I may have left what family and friends I had behind and chose a place a nice cushiony 5 hours away, but I made the best decision I had ever made in my life. I love my family, but I love my distance. I love my friends in Sacramento, but I never had friends that were moms there. I never was able to understand that THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE THAT FEEL THE WAY I FEEL! I can actually make friends that have something in common with me.

Moving away from my security, what I always knew and trusted broke me out of a shell I was confined in for so many years. I had to start from the bottom and work my way up. I didn’t have friends that I had gone to school with. I didn’t have family that I’d known my whole life {I do have relatives where I live though}. I was forced to grow as an individual. I was forced to step out of my box and talk to new people, and make mom friends and go to the park and soak in the days with my kids. And discover CHURCH.

I learned to cook.

I learned that there’s a completely different person inside of me, and she’s a person I actually like.

I learned that my marriage is the most important relationship I have on this earth. That any outside influences that take me away from him are not good influences.

I learned to be a mom. And this to me was the most important thing I learned. I was a mom a before, don’t get me wrong, but I lived a fast paced, busy life. I didn’t take the time to REALLY be the mom that my children deserve.

I learned that I can figure life out without the influences of other people. I can figure out what I like, what I believe, and what my values are all on my own.

Picking up and moving away from the only thing we ever knew truly was the best thing I ever did. I will never go back to that fast paced, city life again. I’ve found my happiness and I’ve found me. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.

4th Myaversary ~ Heavy Image

Posted on September 7, 2010 by Amanda

Yesterday was our 4th Myaversary. 4 years ago yesterday we found out our baby girl was no longer alive inside of me. Hardest most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced inside.

I talk about {Mya} often. She’s not something I’ve pushed under the rug and moved easily on with life. She is a part of me, and she is my daughter. A daughter I haven’t met yet, but a daughter I felt inside of me. She was growing inside of me, she kicked inside of me, she grew into my heart while she was inside of me.

We always send off balloons to Mya to heaven every year on our Myaversary. I don’t know why we’ve never taken pictures of the balloons we’ve sent to her before, but this year was a special balloon and we took a special trip for her.

This year I wasn’t sad like I am normally on our Myaversary. I think it has a lot to do with the if there was a Mya, there’d be no Ella. Mya served a beautiful purpose in mending a broken marriage. Mya served a beautiful purpose in bring a family that was so close to be broken to knowing what we mean to each other. Mya made a way for Ella to enter this world into a family that was a family. A family that was loving. A family that was stable.

Mya, I thank you every day for making our family what it is today. And that is something to celebrate. And this face right here, is a face of a little girl with pure joy and happiness in her heart…. and I couldn’t fathom a life without her in it.

Our trip to the Oregon coast was a fun trip, but the wind was horrible! Made it very unenjoyable for Ella, but I did manage to get this cute picture of my family

Ella spent the majority of the time screaming if I didn’t have her covered entirely in a towel to protect her from the blowing sand. Such a bummer, because the weather was BEAUTIFUL! Here’s my 2 wind blown babies.

This windblown baby loved everything about the trip…. loved the water, the wind, the birds to chase and I don’t post much about my Sophie girl… but here she is

and my wonderful husband managed to get this beautiful belly pic of me at 27 weeks pregnant with our newest baby girl that will be joining our family in December.

Then it came time to let go of the balloon for Mya ~ I found this special rose balloon, so I sent her off a Rose. You can click on the picture to make it bigger.

Our trip was quick, but it was a beautiful day. We celebrated what a beautiful little girl gave us, taught us and helped us become.

Mya,

I love you more than I’ll ever be able to explain. You will always be a special part of our lives, and we will always continue to celebrate our Myaversary. I know that you are with us, and that you watch over your little family. I know one day we will get to meet, and until that day I hope that I will continue to feel you around me.

I love you ~ Love, Mama

A Sister I’ll Never Have

Posted on July 1, 2010 by Amanda

I’ve never shared the story of the life my siblings have lived. I’m not talking about my dad’s daughter’s….. I’m talking about the siblings that came from my mom. The siblings I always considered my “real” siblings…. almost like we were full blooded. But we’re not, and I’ve learned that actually means something.

I really loved them, and sadly when they were only 5 & 6 they went to live with their father and I didn’t see them until my brother was 12 and then my sister came around again when she was 14. When they came back the weird thing is it was almost like they had never left. I loved them so much and my sister became my best friend.

The sad thing is that love from her was extremely conditional. She’s the type of girl that if you don’t agree with her, or piss her off in some way she can go the rest of her life never talking to you again…. and I guess she’s okay living like that. I don’t have a relationship with her anymore, and sadly it was he said, she said bullshit regarding her oh so wonderful boyfriend. One thing I’ve tried really hard to do is walk on egg shells around her, even when I don’t agree with her decisions…. I keep my mouth shut. Sadly, the inevitable happened and we no longer have a relationship. Not my choice…. her’s. Did it hurt? HELL YES! She was my sister and she has chosen to believe crap over what her own flesh and blood says.

I think the funniest thing about her beginning this feud with me is that she in turn went to befriend people that I wasn’t getting along with. People she HATED and talked the most insane crap about…. by the way, because I defended them that gave her a reason to distance herself from me. But now we have a new best friendship that’s formed and I can’t laugh hard enough. I for one know that if I don’t like somebody one day I sure as hell am not going to like them the next. She has no identity. Unfortunately her childhood was so screwed up that she doesn’t truly know who she is.

My opinions on people don’t change like that. If I like you one day, I will probably love you the rest of my life whether you’re in it or not. I’ve never had a friend that I don’t consider a friend of mine today. It’s the way I’ve always been. In high school I was choosy on my friends, because once you become a friend of mine I’ll move mountains for you….. even if we recently had a stupid spat all it takes is one phone call asking for me to be there and you bet your ass I’m RIGHT THERE! Family, not so much. I’m always there, but I’ve learned that I actually have to really shield my heart from them. I’ve never really had to shield my heart from a friend. They’ve always come in when the whole world has gone out, and that’s why friends to me mean so much more. I don’t have to walk on egg shells with them. My family…. I do.

So, I know a lot of people have their sister as their maid of honor at their wedding, and I chose not to. I chose the one person who has been solid in my life since I was in preschool…. whether I moved across the country or not, and in my eyes that makes her more a sister to me than my own blood, who is so quick to throw away what I would think is one of the most important relationships you can have.

It’s taken me a while to accept the fact that I will never have a relationship with my sister. Her children will never know mine, and my children will never know of her’s. I’m not going to teach my children about family that isn’t really family.

I’m not perfect. I’m not sitting her saying that I’m any better than Jessica. I’ve grown A LOT since I was 25 ~ every year I discover more and more about who I am, and what things and people mean to me. Even in the past 6 months I feel like I’ve grown to just not even care about the b/s that goes on anymore. I just have discovered that life is way too short, and negative energy towards people that I actually love is not worth it. And if they choose to be a part of my life and my children’s life then GREAT! But if they choose not to, then that’s their deal. I know that I’m a wonderful person who only ever wants to help my friends and family in any way I can. Those who are a part of my world and my life know this, and if you’re not a part of my world and my life anymore, then I’m sure you know that when you were that’s all I ever was for you…. somebody who you could ALWAYS rely on.

So while I’m not perfect, I’m going to continue nourishing the relationships in my life that matter, loving the people who are in my world, and always praying for those who aren’t. I’m grateful for the wonderful friends and few family members that I do have. I do have 2 sisters that come from my dad that I have really gotten to grow to love. I am beyond blessed to have the friends that I do have in my life. Some I’ve had since I was a little girl, and other’s just in the past couple of years… but they are nothing short of amazing…. and you all know who you are.

So, I have to let go… and this rambling post wasn’t so much for my awesome readers, but more for me. I needed to get this out and put this to rest. I need to accept the fact that I don’t have my sister anymore….. in fact, she’s not my sister. I will always love her to death, but that doesn’t give her the title of being my sister. Blood doesn’t mean anything to me, when you can actually walk away from me. Hell, if it did then I’d actually call the sperm donor guy my dad HAHA…. that’ll NEVER happen!