Pour Your Heart Out – Norm’s Passing

Posted on May 13, 2010 by Amanda

This post is a weird one… I didn’t write all I wanted to, and maybe put things in it that I didn’t want to.

When I was 6 a man entered my family’s life that would forever change it. The sad thing is I don’t have the best of memories about him. He was actually a mean, miserable old man that was obsessed with working. He ruined holidays and made things down right miserable. He was wealthy and stingy and gave to strangers before family. Things I never truly understood, but he wasn’t put on this earth for me to understand. He was my Grandma’s husband.

But as I grew older I appreciated him more and the things that he had done for me. I even asked him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, because what other constant man did I have in my life? I know that it meant a lot to him to be able to give me away.

I remember when I was young… like junior high or younger young and my uncle Bryane was graduating from high school. We had made a comment about how amazing it would be if Norm was still alive when I graduated high school. He was diagnosed with leukemia many years ago, even before my grandma and him got married. He’s cheated death more times than I ever imagined anybody would, and lived a very long 86 years of life. He died a death that was miserable and definitely not something that I would ever wish on anyone. Cancer ate away his body and money ate away his soul.

In his final years I spent a lot of time with him. He actually came to Oregon last summer (ack I believe ~ may have been the summer before….see where my mind is going?!) He stayed about a mile away from me in a retirement community and I definitely enjoyed my time with him. I would pick him up and go out to dinner, always Olive Garden {a family favorite} and would go rub lotion on his feet. I actually really started to know him through his time here. The one thing that made me feel good, is he was never nice to people wherever he would go, but he was never mean to me. He loved me, and in a weird way I loved him too.

My family is in major turmoil right now. So many people aren’t talking to each other, and Norm dying has put a few things in perspective for ME. I no longer have the energy for the he said she said crap that goes on in this family. A man I never thought would die, died. I’m sure that things will be getting real ugly in our family over his death. I’m grateful that I’m not a part of it.

I did make a phone call to my grandma who I don’t really talk to anymore. It was nice to talk to her, and hope that we can continue a relationship that is minus crap and drama and business. I don’t have it in me anymore to fight with anybody in my family. If they want a part of my life I’m here, if they don’t that’s their problem…. not mine. I’ve found happiness without all of them. I know that sounds harsh, but with my family it’s not.

So, I will not be attending Norm’s funeral. There’s so much else going on behind the scenes that I really want no part of and instead will be doing something in his honor that will be remembering him and his life. I pray that he has found peace, because there wasn’t much of it in his life on this earth. He accomplished many great things, but the man never stopped…. even on his death bed.

Norm, I want you to know that I do appreciate the things that you did for me when you were on this earth. While I don’t have the best of memories, I do have some good ones and I’ll always treasure those. I’m so happy that you are no longer suffering and dealing with the chaos.

**My favorite known fact about Norm is that he was friends with Frank Sinatra**

His First Meeting with Bishop

Posted on April 15, 2010 by Amanda

The first part of this post really isn’t my Pour Your Heart Out ~ it’s more towards the end. I originally didn’t write this post as a Pour Your Heart Out post, but realized that towards the end that’s kinda what I did 🙂

We’ve set the baptism date {this Saturday, 5:00pm LDS church in Ashland on Clay Street} So, if you didn’t know about it, now you know about it. You can consider this your invitation 🙂

A picture of my favorite LDS Temple in SLC ~ Jayden loved going to this temple

Today Jayden had to go talk with the Bishop like every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gets to do before baptism. When we set the appointment I thought to myself… ‘Uh oh! Does Jayden even know what he’s doing?! Why he’s getting baptized?! What the heck this all means?!’ So, we sat down to ask him a few questions to see how much he knew. Even though he goes to church, loves Jesus, loves God knows that the Holy Ghost is a good thing and not a creepy thing…. he really didn’t have a clue.

I’ve tried to explain it to the best of my abilities, and I was very pleased today when he got out of his appointment with the Bishop that Bishop said… “He did great! Answered all the questions I had right.” THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I really didn’t think he was paying attention to the things I was telling him.

I’m so excited for my handsome, little man.

I look at our lives 5 years ago, when Jayden was only 3 and wow, what a difference. I never would have thought in a million years we’d be where we are at in our lives. I never thought in a million years I’d be back at church let alone bringing my entire family with me. I never thought I’d be planning my son’s baptism. 5 years is a HUGE difference. 5 years ago my marriage was on the rocks, 5 years ago I never thought my family would last…. and now look at us. It makes me smile and makes feel so proud of US, because we did this together ~ and it makes me borderline emotional to think about it. I think that we have the church to thank for where we are at in our lives right now, because it gave us the missing piece in our lives that we never knew we were missing. It’s really funny how that can happen, how you can discover that when you thought your life was complete it really wasn’t. Just another interesting little weirdness about life.

Precious Alana has left ~ Psycho Blog Stalkers… hope you enjoy!

Posted on April 13, 2010 by Amanda

Hello stalkers welcome to the stalker club, because sadly I have many. And yes, I did know that you people were coming to my blog ~ just like I know that Alana’s brother’s mom is STILL coming here and reading about my life, which is a little creepy. BUT I really hope you share with Carina all of the things I have written, because THEY ARE THE TRUTH. Carina knows I love her and would do anything for her and Alana, but I SPEAK THE TRUTH IT’S WHAT I DO ~ AND SOMETIMES THE TRUTH HURTS LIKE HELL.

Since that has been addressed…..

There are many things in life that unfortunately we can’t control. I know this, and in my family I’m known among them all as the one who likes to always have things in control and I take situations and make them mine. I don’t know why I do this, maybe it’s the mother hen {thank you, Kandi, for this word.. I use it often lol} in me, but I feel like everybody’s problems are my problems ~ therefore I attempt to solve them.

I don’t care who’s reading this blog. I don’t care if my niece Alana’s “other” family reads it {since creepily they do}, because I never lie on here, I only tell life how it is. Sorry that it’s not a pleasant thing. I’m sorry that my niece has had to live a life of being tossed here tossed there. I’m sorry I was giving her a very good life.

She woke up everyday happy, and layed in bed next to her cousin as they read books. They’d eat their breakfast, and play and go next door to their BFF’s house. If we didn’t play at home we played at other places, fun kid places. She lived a life of laughter, smiles & happiness. She took a nap at the same time every day. She ate her vegetables, but knew that she had to say her prayers before eating those vegetables. She had fun bath time with her cousin and sometimes with her BFF too. They were 3 peas in a pod those girls. Nighttime she loved to get in HER princess toddler bed. She loved it.

I know that her mom was not happy about what she had to do. I know deep down that her mom knows she’s better off here than anywhere else…. FOR NOW. I say for now, because every child needs their mama, but every child needs their mama when they’re on the right track…. putting what’s important first. I know her mom was tricked into even coming up here, and I wish she had a spine to tell them all what she thinks, and how she knew {because she’s told me over and over} that that Alana is safe and happy HERE.

Do I think Alana’s going to be safe? Not too sure on that. If her mom is taking her to her “grandma’s” house then kindof. I know that her mom leaves her during the day w/one of the drug addict psycho men that were creeping around my house last week. I don’t think that’s very safe. If she stays with her mom, then we have her with her mom who is struggling really bad right now. I wish she’d get help so she can be a mom to Alana. Alana needs structure, Alana needs to know that she isn’t going to be ripped from here, tossed to there, and that the bed she lays in at night will be the same bed she wakes up to in the morning. She needs what we gave her. I wish more than anything it was something that her mom could give her, but right now ~ she can’t.

I’m extremely grateful tonight that my children have structure, stability, and security. I’m extremely grateful that even though I’m far from perfect, that they have a good mom. It’s funny that at times I really do stop and question if I’m that good of a mom. Then I think about all of the things I’ve given my children. Structure, stability, security, the gospel, God, love, 2 parents, and lots and lots of laughter. I’m a good mom. I need to remember that when I’m thinking otherwise.

I could go on and on, but I won’t. My heart is sad, my home definitely feels like something is missing, and believe it or not ~ I feel SO bad for Carina, Alana’s mom. I couldn’t imagine being in a situation where first off I go almost 2 months without seeing my daughter, and then I have people pulling the strings in my own life. One thing about me is I do what I know is right and good for my kids, my family and myself. She’s not in a place in her life that she can do this, and that makes me so sad. Alana had a picture that she carried with her and even slept with of her mom and dad when her mom was pregnant with her. It broke my heart, because she looked so happy, so healthy. I wish she could find her way back there for Alana’s sake. Alana needs her mom to be happy & healthy, so that in turn Alana can be happy & healthy. I’ve known Carina for a long time, and she’s like a little sister to me. I’ve always been here for her, and wish I could make all of her problems disappear ~ but I can’t.

So, tonight, it’s all in God’s hands. Not only does Alana need your prayers, but it wouldn’t hurt to give Carina your prayers as well. And my Ella needs prayers. She’s sad. She lost her best friend, her cousin. Tomorrow will be a hard day for her, but mommy will make sure that she has a good one. Because I’m THAT kind of mom.

A Scary Night

Posted on April 8, 2010 by Amanda

The prior two blog posts before this one were removed for the majority of today. I wasn’t sure who was reading my blog, and things got extremely CRAZY and scary regarding the situation with my niece Alana that I felt that I had to remove the posts until her fate was secure.

My last post towards the end said… I never truly know what I’m going to wake up to. That statement couldn’t have been more true.

I woke up in the middle of the night to men creeping around my house. Men that drove 5 hours to come and take my niece from me…. and I was home alone. And scared out of my mind. THANK GOD I have the most amazing neighbor in the entire world that informed me about this and stayed on the phone with me until my husband got home {unfortunately right now he works late}. Cops were called {they didn’t see them or catch them} and we didn’t sleep well ~ my husband sat up on the couch with one eye open… all night long. I don’t know what their intentions were in the middle of the night, but I can assure you they weren’t good. Why in the world they would drive 5 hours after I told them there is no way I would hand my niece over to them ESPECIALLY without her mom’s permission…. and talking with my niece’s mom and hearing her concerns about her brother & mother’s intentions.

People… I was scared. I had never in my entire life felt my heart pound as hard as it was pounding.

In the morning they finally decided to approach our home again and knock this time. I shuffled the girls into a hiding place and we were not answering the door. Then they called, and I answered. I threatened to call the police, and they left. They figured they’d try to call the police and get Alana that way.

Didn’t work. The cops told them they need to leave as Alana will not be taken out of my home unless her mother who at this point has full rights takes her out. Thank you, God.

She’s still here, she’s still safe.

An Update for my 2nd Glass of Pour your Heart Out

Posted on April 7, 2010 by Amanda

I SERIOUSLY never know what to expect with the situation with my niece and her mother. If you haven’t read {THIS} post yet, you should. This is an update to my post for

The original plan was that my niece’s mother was leaving Sacramento yesterday at 7pm to drive 5 hours, in the snow to pick up Alana. Then after she picks her toddler up and disturbs my family in the middle of the night, she then was planning on traveling back to Sacramento, in the snow, with her toddler. Needless to say, I was frustrated and upset.

Then I get a phone call from her saying that she’s going to instead be leaving at 2pm today. Then I get a message left on my voicemail from her brother saying they’ll be leaving around 2 and will be arriving here around 7. Whatever.

Oh, that’s when things change. This morning I could tell her mom had been partying all night and now she’s having issues with her family and has canceled the entire thing. So, now after I have prepared Alana for her mom coming to get her she has changed her mind. Alana was expecting her mom, and I am relieved.

Her brother most definitely had not changed his plans, because I received a call from him letting me know he’s running late. I had to inform him that I most definitely will not be handing Alana over to ANYBODY except for her own mother, and at this point her own mother prefers her to remain here with me. Thank God. Did he actually think I would hand over my niece to an absolute stranger {in my eyes}, he obviously doesn’t know me and the protective mother hen I am when it comes to my children and any child in my care.

People…. this is a very, very crazy roller coaster. I really never truly know what I’m going to wake up to. So for now we still have her. For now, she’s still safe.

Believe it or not, there’s more {HERE}

Pour Your Heart Out – #2

Posted on April 6, 2010 by Amanda

On Wednesday’s Shell {if you click on the image below you will be taken to her awesome blog} has one of my new favorite carnivals ~ and I’m EXTREMELY early in posting this, but tonight was a night that I absolutely had to……..

so if you’re reading this post and would like to participate in Pour Your Heart Out, Shell will have it up for linkups Wednesday morning.

I have had my niece Alana for 44 days. For 44 days a mother has been putting something before her own child. For 44 days a child has been without her mother. For 44 days I have struggled with trying to give this child normalcy, structure and love. Things I don’t think she’s seen very often, because unfortunately most of her life has been spent being tossed here, being tossed there.

I’m writing this after I received the phone call that after 44 days her mom will be coming tomorrow to get her. She’s done with her party {for the time being} and is ready to play mommy for a while. But how long will it last? This is the part of taking a child into your home that’s the hardest.

I HAVE to put this in God’s hands and know that there is nothing I can do at this point. This child unfortunately was born to a girl who should have never been given the blessing of a child. She has no clue what honor it is to be able to love and teach your child. She has no clue what being a mom is all about. To her, when she’s tired of playing the responsible role, she just tosses her to the next willing person that will take her in. I’m sad to say that unless rights are going to be signed over to me I will not be this person anymore. I can’t be. It’s too unstable for her and my family. My children get close and attached and then have to have her ripped from them. 44 days is a very long time in they eyes of a child. Bonds have been made.

I now have to worry about my daughter and how she’s going to feel that a member of our family who has become a huge part of our life is ripped from her. Jayden is old enough that he understands that Alana was not here on a permanent basis, but my 2 1/2 year old doesn’t. As much as they fought, they got along. Ella will be getting more one on one attention with me, but what about her constant play mate? I’ve tried to be strong and put a wall around my heart, but tonight I’m sad. I’m sad of what’s to come of this precious little girl’s life. I’m sad that I didn’t fight harder for her. I’m sad that she’s leaving the one place in her life that actually had a family feel. Not just a mom, but a dad, a brother, a sister… although we were just aunt, uncle & cousins… but it’s the feeling I’m talking about. She got to experience going to church, praying before meals, getting tucked in at night. She got to experience love. And I’m sad to say that what she comes from doesn’t shower her with love. Any mom that ever puts drugs and men before their own child doesn’t know about being a mom.

I wish I could give Alana the life she deserves, but for now it’s not in my hands. All I can do is put it into God’s.

UPDATE TO THIS CAN BE READ {HERE}

Crazy Goodness

Posted on March 20, 2010 by Amanda

This week has been ONE CRAZY WHIRLWIND of a week. But all in a good way. The first thing is my business just took a MAJOR jump this week, and I have just gotta give it to my very, very, very good friends Jen & David for all of their hard work and sticking with something that they saw the value in. *I love you guys!* I can’t even begin to describe how truly happy I am for you and your future.

Things are really hopping and starting to get busy with me and I just feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of something so wonderful that is really changing our lives. I look at my kids and smile knowing that everything we’re doing right now is going to impact their lives in such a good way ~ and not only their life, but for generations to come. I love that.

Life with 2 toddlers is actually been getting easier and easier. When Alana came with us she had little issues, like not wanting to take a bath, constipation, among other things. Today for the first time ever I was walking up the stairs to give Ella a bath and Alana got all excited saying she wanted to take a bath too. HUGE IMPROVEMENT!

I know that her staying here with us is the best thing ever for her. She has stability, she has structure, she has a family that is a family. She’s been tossed around A LOT in her 2 short years of life, and that breaks my heart. I can’t fathom how my kids would feel being tossed here, tossed there. They NEED stability. They NEED constant love and attention.

The good thing is both of her parents are secure with her staying with us. My brother and Alana’s mom both know that when she’s here she’s being very well taken care of. And she’s happy. Throughout the day she’ll just come up and hug me and have this huge smile on her face, and it warms my heart.

I’m just so happy with the decision that my brother and Alana’s mother made in securing their daughter with me ~ the best place she could be right now.

The 3 Princesses

Posted on March 9, 2010 by Amanda

When you add 1 more toddler to the mix things get a bit busy. So busy that I can’t believe that it’s not only been 1 week since I’ve come on my sanctuary, but I also completely forgot about this week’s Just a Motivating Monday.

My sweet little Alana is really fitting in here. A year ago we had her for a while under the same circumstances that we have her now. My heart completely breaks for her, but all we can do is surround her with love and provide her with stability, a schedule and lots of laughter and fun.

With Alana living with us once again I have been keeping the girls extremely busy, which is important for them. We’ve been spending a lot of time with our BFF’s that live next door ~ Miss Celeste & Ruthie. Watching the three girls play together is probably the cutest thing in the entire world.

So, we’re all doing well, just SO BUSY!

Valentine’s Day ~ a little peak

Posted on February 17, 2010 by Amanda

Our Valentine’s Day was THE BEST EVER! I’m gonna do a little rundown here for ya ~

My husband proposed to me 9 years ago – the ring is pretty, but the diamonds are EXTREMELY small and it’s a two toned ring and for some reason my finger breaks out ~ so, I don’t wear a wedding ring. I HATE it, because I always feel like when I go out in public people look at me like just another single mom. {not that there’s anything wrong with that… I’m just NOT a single mom}

My husband rocks… he bought me THIS for Valentine’s Day

Ever since the 3 stoned Past, Present, Future rings came out – I’ve wanted one! And I FINALLY HAVE ONE!!!!!!! On the inside it even has a P {diamond} P {diamond} F ~ I AM IN LOVE!!!! I can’t stop staring at my finger. Gino, you are my heart and soul. I just want you to know that. I wouldn’t have US any other way ~ so just always know that.

We woke up Valentine’s Day and packed into the car and headed to Sacramento. Where we saw my mom and my most favorite, lovable little niece Alana {P.S. SHE’S COMING TO STAY WITH US AGAIN!!!}

And then we headed to Arco Arena {where my Sacramento Kings play} to see Disney on Ice. We had SO much fun! Yes, I cried, because I always cry at these things because I am literally THAT excited! Here’s a couple pictures from our day there ~

I’m working on a little movie that has some video and pics of the kids and I’ll upload that as soon as I’m done… cuz there’s MANY more pics 🙂

We ended our Valentine’s Day night with a little mask party with Grandma and Grandpa

OH and a little tattoo competition between Grandpa & Ella haha

Life, Family & What’s Important

Posted on February 6, 2010 by Amanda

My life has changed A LOT these past couple of months. Some for the good, some for the bad, but I’m embracing them all.

The good ~ I no longer have a JOB (Just Over Broke) and have gone into business for myself. I’m on a major life organizing kick, and strangely I feel like I’m cleaning and organizing my soul. I’ve made my unfinished business list and have crossed quite a few items off…. I can’t wait until all the items are crossed off.

The bad ~ I lost another baby. There’s no words for this. I don’t get it. By now I’d be close to feeling flutters in my stomach, instead I’m trying to figure out how to lose my stomach.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. Maybe it has to do with all of the changes going on here, but my thoughts mostly have been about family.

I really don’t have a family. I have siblings that come and go. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with any of them, because not only did I have a dysfunctional childhood… I think they had a worse childhood. I’ve noticed with my family that they come in and out in and out in and out and have DRAMA. But it’s okay. I’m coming to the realization that none of them matter. It doesn’t matter if I have a sister that’s my best friend, because I have a husband that’s my best friend. It doesn’t matter if one day they like me the next they are jealous of me, because honestly… they really don’t matter. Sounds harsh right? Trust me, with my family it’s just the way it has to be.

I’m okay with my dysfunctional family and whether they’re present or absent in my life. I have the most STABLE (word I never knew growing up) family under my own roof. We are creating a life for our children that is secure. At the end of the day our little family here under this very roof is what matters. There’s no drama, there’s no being cautious of what you say. It’s just pure, unconditional love, and I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am that I Finally have a family. A true, unconditional, loving family.

I need to let the hurt go. The hurt of my father, the hurt of my grandmother, the hurt of my sister, the hurt of my brother ~ the hurt of my entire dad’s side of the family. I NEED TO LET IT GO. I need to realize I don’t need them, they’ve done nothing but give me conditional love, and that’s no family.

So, from here on out no more wishing, wondering, just appreciating, because I LOVE MY FAMILY ~ the Family we are creating.

Enchanting Havoc

Category Archives: Family