Category Archives: Jayden

Mommy Guilt Sucks

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This little guy used to be the center of my world entirely…. him and him only. He was the only baby in our family. My brother and sister hadn’t had children yet and the next baby in the family {my nephew} didn’t come until Jayden was 5. That’s 5 years of being spoiled by not only his mom & dad but my mom, my brother, and my husband’s family.


When he was 6 the next baby of the family came and that baby came directly to our little family. Miss Ella Bella.

I love how my family is growing, honestly I do ~ and the fact that we’re adding yet another to our family is beyond exciting. But my little man just keeps growing up, and our family just keeps growing. I can’t help but worry is he getting lost in the shuffle? Ever since Ella was born a lot of attention has been put on her, because of her heart. I hope I’ve never made Jayden feel like he wasn’t special or important, because he is still my everything. He is still and always be my first born, and he will always be the center of my world…. This little man changed my life for the better the minute I felt him move inside me.

I think that I need to do more things with just him so that he feels special.

Now to elaborate a little more on this….

Jayden’s growing up. He’s going to be 9 in a month and he’s much more independent than his 3 year old little sister. When I’m home she literally consumes me. Ella and I have spent the last 3 years together day in and day out. She’s venturing into being little miss independent and she needs constant supervision. And now there’s going to be a newborn in a few months ~ and I’m terrified that Jayden is going to not feel important…. And I need to make sure that this doesn’t happen! I need to make sure that everyday I am making him feel special and important in some way…. And that he gets alone time with me w/no other children getting in the way.

To top all of this off, tonight as I’m frustrated and trying to get Ella to bed and my frustrations were apparently showing, Jayden says to me, “Geez! What did I ever do to you? Why do you keep yelling at me?”

*GASP* was I yelling? I didn’t even realize I was yelling. I knew I felt frustrated, but in no way shape or form was it towards him. I had to grab him, hug him and apologize right then and there, because I deserved the BAD MOM award for that one.

Am I alone in feeling like this with my children?

Welcome to another week of me pouring my heart out.


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and days like this too shall pass

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Today I sat in my car and wanted to cry.

I had to take a deep breath and tell myself that they’re just kids and unfortunately sometimes this is what kids do.

Parenting is the hardest thing besides a marriage. I’m not sure which one is harder, but they’re both pretty dang hard. Parenting and marriage become not hard when you choose to give up. That is something I will never do with either.

My son is probably one of the best, well behaved little boys out there. Yet today, he was completely defiant to me. Anything I told him to do he wouldn’t do…. anything I told him not to do he’d do.

I am sitting here…. literally done. My brain hurts, I’m exhausted, and I want nothing more than my children to just go to bed. And my house to be magically put back together.

But the reality is they’re not going to go to bed right now, I actually will have to put this house back together manually {myself}, and this is the life of a stay at home mom.  It’s exhausting yet so rewarding at the same time.  Not every day is bad, and not every day is good…. but every day I am here with them and I need to remember that they need their mother to be patient with them, and I need to remember that this will pass.  The days where my biggest concern is my son pushing my daughter on the merry go round when I asked him not to will be a day I really wish I could go back to.

These days that end with me literally drained from brain to the tips of my toes are days like this…..
and the day these little beauties of mine are all grown up and moments like these have passed I will definitely wish I could go back and soak it back in.
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Jayden’s Baptism

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We believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that children are innocent and do not fully understand the difference between right and wrong until they reach the age of 8. Baptism is for the remission of sins, and a very special ordinance between Heavenly Father and yourself. We wait to baptize until the age of 8, because before this age you really haven’t sinned, or understand what commitments you are making with Heavenly Father.


With that being said…. on April 10,2010 Jayden entered the waters of baptism, and it was such a wonderful and special day. We had the honor of having my Grandfather, Jayden’s Great-Grandfather come up from California and baptize him. It was absolutely special!

We had great friends that all showed up to witness this special day for Jayden. We sang a couple of his favorite primary songs and had delicious chocolate cake afterwards. One thing I’ll never forget is when he stepped into the baptismal font he says “HOT!” and then after he got baptized he actually started swimming in the water! Oh that boy keeps me laughing.

Jayden & his Great-Grandpa


I’m so proud of you, Jayden, for the decision that you have made.  I know that the decision that you made was the right one, and I know in my heart that this church is true…. and I’m so proud of you for taking this journey to discover it on your own.  I love you so much and I hope that you always follow your heart and listen to the Holy Spirit, because he will NOT steer you wrong…. I can promise you that.  Your relationship with Heavenly Father is such a personal one, and I hope you strive to strengthen it and grow closer and closer to him and soak in his teachings.  I love you so much.  Love, Mama
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His First Meeting with Bishop

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The first part of this post really isn’t my Pour Your Heart Out ~ it’s more towards the end.  I originally didn’t write this post as a Pour Your Heart Out post, but realized that towards the end that’s kinda what I did 🙂  




We’ve set the baptism date {this Saturday, 5:00pm LDS church in Ashland on Clay Street} So, if you didn’t know about it, now you know about it. You can consider this your invitation 🙂


A picture of my favorite LDS Temple in SLC ~ Jayden loved going to this temple


Today Jayden had to go talk with the Bishop like every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gets to do before baptism. When we set the appointment I thought to myself… ‘Uh oh! Does Jayden even know what he’s doing?! Why he’s getting baptized?! What the heck this all means?!’ So, we sat down to ask him a few questions to see how much he knew. Even though he goes to church, loves Jesus, loves God knows that the Holy Ghost is a good thing and not a creepy thing…. he really didn’t have a clue.

I’ve tried to explain it to the best of my abilities, and I was very pleased today when he got out of his appointment with the Bishop that Bishop said… “He did great! Answered all the questions I had right.” THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I really didn’t think he was paying attention to the things I was telling him.

I’m so excited for my handsome, little man.

I look at our lives 5 years ago, when Jayden was only 3 and wow, what a difference. I never would have thought in a million years we’d be where we are at in our lives. I never thought in a million years I’d be back at church let alone bringing my entire family with me. I never thought I’d be planning my son’s baptism. 5 years is a HUGE difference. 5 years ago my marriage was on the rocks, 5 years ago I never thought my family would last…. and now look at us. It makes me smile and makes feel so proud of US, because we did this together ~ and it makes me borderline emotional to think about it.  I think that we have the church to thank for where we are at in our lives right now, because it gave us the missing piece in our lives that we never knew we were missing.  It’s really funny how that can happen, how you can discover that when you thought your life was complete it really wasn’t.  Just another interesting little weirdness about life.


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There is a Friend

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There is a friend!


And my heart feels THAT much better.


Not all kids at Jayden’s school are devils mean.


And I wish I had a camera to see the looks on their faces today as they saw each other at Costco.

A girl.  



Jayden and this girl stood in front of each other, arms to their sides, HUGE grins on their faces…


Jayden says, “Hi, Anya, how’s your day?”


She replies… “It’s good Jayden how is your’s?”


and more awkward, silly, cute grins.  Then she says….

“I’ll see you at school, Buddy.”



She called him Buddy.

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Kids are SO Mean!

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I’m still a bit upset about {THIS POST}, because Jayden’s still upset. He’s such a cute, sweet, hard to not love boy. I don’t get how he doesn’t have friends. I don’t get how kids are so mean to him.

To be honest I would honestly like to pull him out of school and keep here where I can protect his feelings. He has such an amazing teacher though, and his school is REALLY helping him with his reading and doing things with him I probably would be no good at.

Nothing’s worse than going out to the playground and not having friends to play with, or to go through elementary school not having a friend. And what’s even worse is when you are the parent that knows your son has no friends. They throw his shoes in puddles, call him a loser, when he’s so much more than they are. Both Gino and I have told him… Stand up for yourself, Jayden. You have OUR permission to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from little asshole children {okay, we didn’t say asshole children to him…. but that’s what they are!} And you know what he says…. It’s not right. It’s not right to be mean to other children.

Jayden, I’m going to tell you right now that I know you were put on this earth for things that are so wonderful, because you are so wonderful. 

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Dear Jayden

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Dear Jayden,

I just want you to know how special you are to me. Your little personality really shines through, and your soul is perfect. So perfect that sometimes I wonder why God put you on this earth. What exactly is your purpose? I think it’s to do great things.

People who have had the absolute pleasure of knowing you know exactly what I’m talking about. Your scouts leader always tells me how special you are, how sweet you are ~ and it just warms my heart, because I know. I don’t know what it is about you that is different from all the other kids, from all the other boys, but it’s definitely special.

We had our parent teacher conference and your teacher absolutely loves you as well, but she is a bit concerned. It’s something I know, and for some reason it’s something I’m scared to get diagnosed, but we are going to start the process of finding out if you are indeed Autistic. I don’t care, because at the end of the day you’re just my Jayden. You are my beautiful little soul that was put on this earth to do great things.

I absolutely know without a doubt that you have Sensory Processing Disorder, and the reasons why your teacher wants to get you tested for Autism is because sometimes you go somewhere ~ nowhere far, but it’s almost like a little imaginary world that you can easily be snapped out of when talked to. So, you may just have a great imagination ~ but I just want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT you are perfect. I couldn’t have had a more perfect little soul bless my life than you. I have never in my entire life met a boy that is as sweet, caring, honest, faithful, and has integrity like you. Never… and I’m not just saying that because you are my son, because I’m not the only one that sees this.

I love you, Jayden ~ I love you forever and always

Love, Mom

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Letters for my babies

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Dear Jayden,


Last night your dad and I were talking about how special you are. I know that every parent in the world thinks their kids are special, have a special soul, but we’re not the only ones that see it with you. Your soul is different, Jayden. Most kids your age aren’t concerned with the things you’re concerned about. Most kids your age aren’t as loving as you are. Your boyscout pack leader tonight told me how sweet and special you are. Jayden, your soul is so pure and I find it hard to think that it could ever change…. I told your pack leader, hey we just might have the next prophet right here. I love you, Jayden. You brighten my world and make my heart sing. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be here for you… no matter what. You will always be my baby.


Love, Mama






Dear Ella,


I just want you to know that you are a complete joy to my life. I catch myself just staring at you while smiling. I catch myself praying to Heavenly Father just to thank Him for
blessing me with you. I tell you all day long that you and your brother are my best friends. Ella, I just absolutely adore you and I want you to always know that. I want you to always know that you are so special to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you…. no matter what.
Love, Mama

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