A Sign?

Occasionally we hear of things that make our eyebrows raise. We don’t fully understand or believe until the unsight is seen. It’s hard to grasp the unnormal, or even to fully understand it. Last night the unseen happened to me.

I was in the bath last night, reading The Shack. Such a powerful book, even in the beginning… it just has this thing about it that really draws you in. While deep in my book my towel, which was perfectly hung over the towel rack started moving. I have never seen something move like that in my life. I have seen channels change, buttons on phones pushed, but those are electronics… there was definitely some explanation. I have had my Mya necklace go from the medicine cabinet to the Washing Machine with no explanation as to how, but then again I didn’t see it move by itself with my own eyes.

I quickly jumped out of the bath, feaked out, grabbed the towel that was just moving by itself and wrapped myself in it, dried off, got dressed and ran downstairs. I told Gino to pause his show and told him what had happened. The look on his face was different, and then he told me, “Okay, I was just sitting here and the wipes that were sitting on a box moved and fell off of the box onto the ground.

What are the odds? We could be freaked out, but I think we’re taking this as a sign from Mya. Mya telling us that she’s still here with us, and she knows the pain that we feel over here, especially with her anniversary being this month.

I feel fortunate to have that happen to the both of us. I feel fortunate to know that there is something bigger out there, and when we leave this life we still exist, we still love, and we still can come to visit our loved ones.



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Tonight’s all about rants and raves…. I’m allowed!

I wrote what I had to write about Mya. It was a post from my heart, and this is going to be one too. I wish that people remembered her. I wish that people understood why I love her and miss her so much. I wish that people who I am close to in my life would remember that September 5th is a day that maybe you should call me, maybe you should see how I’m doing. Everybody calls for Jayden and Ella’s birthday, but what about THIS DAY? This day I need a call, because every year it’s just as hard. Every year my heart aches… every year, I feel like I can’t talk to anybody who’s close to me besides my husband, because it’s a subject that has been forgotten. She has been forgotten. And that hurts.


Maybe it’s not important to them, but it’s important to ME, and that should be enough to call me.  I didn’t receive 1 call from 1 person.  The only people that remembered were online friends… online friends that have been there for me through it all, have a sincere heart and know how I feel.  

I’m sorry, but I needed to get this out…. this is a day that is HARD on me, and why is it that it’s a day that nobody remembers?  I don’t want Mya to be forgotten.   

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3 Years Ago Today – We miss you, Mya

I’m strong. I can hold myself together and put a smile on my face when I shouldn’t. I can justify anything and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. But I need to remember that I don’t always have to do this. It’s okay for me to be mad, upset, depressed, disappointed.


3 years ago today my daughter died. 3 years ago today I cried and cried and prayed that it wasn’t true. Prayed that the next day when we went for the confirmation of demise u/s there would be a heart beat. 3 years ago today I clutched my stomach where my once moving baby kicked me to feel nothing. That’s not okay. I know that if there was no Mya there’d be no Ella, but maybe… maybe Ella would have just come later. Maybe I would have been able to have both girls. It’s not okay to have to lose something that you love so much, lose something you’ve never met, but know as well as you know yourself.


Pregnancy loss is one of the most heartbreaking things to go through. I could not fathom losing one of my babies that I’ve seen their beautiful faces and got to know there personalities, because that in itself is unfathomable, but strangely…. I think that losing Mya was almost just as bad. No, I didn’t ever get to know her, but I did get to feel her. I already loved her, I already had her future planned out for what I wished for her. My son was excited, my husband would put his hand on my stomach to feel her flutter into it. She loved Tacos {my BIGGEST craving with her} 3 years ago today I ate tacos for the last time of her being inside of me… I’m sad that she wasn’t still with me to enjoy them.


I am sad that time goes on without her. I am sad that time is starting to heal, and there are days that go by that she isn’t on my mind.  I am sad that our family is happy, happier than we’ve ever been and she isn’t here to get to experience that happiness with us. 


I wonder if she visits us ever.  I wonder if she is there waiting for us.  I wonder if she loves us as much as we love her.  I wonder if when we send her balloons that she gets them.  I wonder if God tells her about me, since I didn’t get to tell her about Him.  I wonder if they have angel celebrations in heaven and if September 5th is a joyous day for her, because they’re celebrating her.


This is the 1st year that we didn’t celebrate “Her” day on this day ~ Gino worked today and we decided that tomorrow will be all about Mya.  Tomorrow she will get her balloons, tomorrow she will get a note from her mom, tomorrow will be her day… and I feel guilty that it won’t be on “Her” day.


Mya, I love you so much.

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I never knew you, but I love you

I never heard you, but I hear you
I never held you, but I feel you
I never knew you, but I love you

I went tonight to watch probably the scariest movie I’ve seen in such a long time, The Orphan. The above poem was in the movie and a situation much like {mine} had happened to the main character. Her baby girl had died while she was still pregnant with her.

When we saw the stone with the poem on it Gino had reached over and grabbed my hand. It still hurts at times. I will admit that things have definitely gotten better and I am ever so thankful for the blessings that I have; for the children that I have. There is still, however, {Mya}. There is still is a baby girl in heaven that I miss so much, that I love so much…. and I don’t even know her. I have felt her inside of me though, and she has a huge part of my heart and my soul.

In exactly 1 month from today it will have been 3 years since I found out my baby girl had passed. The poem above is so real to me. I didn’t know her, but I love her just as much as I love my 2 babies that are alive and well with me here on earth. 3 years ago I could hardly breathe and didn’t know how in the world I was supposed to go on. I find it amazing how much time and Heavenly Father can heal a mother’s heart.

The thing that helps me out so much is that I know she lives in heaven. I keep her so close to my heart in a necklace. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and sadly sometimes things happen that are traumatic. I know that Mya had a very wonderful purpose, and she served it. She saved my marriage. She brought Gino and I together in a way that can’t be explained. She came to a marriage that was on the verge of destruction and made it the strongest bond I’ve ever felt. I love Mya for that, and one day I’ll be able to hug her and thank her. She served her purpose, then gave her sister a chance to be born to happy family, a strong family. And I know that through all of Ella’s traumatic experiences with her heart that she’s right there with her, because she’s her angel.

I hope that when we smile and think of her that she feels it. I hope that when we’re sad because she’s not with us she feels our love. She will always be my first daughter. I will always love her, and I don’t even know her yet. I do, however, know that she came here and saved a family and built it strong. Thank you, Mya…. I love you.

Being Thankful

Do you ever wake up in the morning happy to be awake early? Happy to be alive? Looking forward to all of the days activities…. even if it’s just about getting housework done? This has been me for the past couple of days. It’s weird.

I get excited when I wake up and can’t wait to start living. I’ve been more enjoyable to be around, not complaining and nagging, or getting frustrated with my husband and children.

I’ve been trying to stay positive and look at the wonderful things about my life. I don’t focus on what I don’t have, I’ve been focusing on what I do have. Ella might be a pill (like at church today) but it’s okay, because she’s here…. alive. She could be dead. Yes, quite morbid, but she did almost die as a newborn and instead of getting all stressed out, I am starting to appreciate the fact that I do have a toddler here with me to throw a fit. Her fits can be like music to my ears, because it could be like Mya. I never got to hear her throw a fit, or laugh, or have her pull my hair. I have gotten to the point where I understand why she’s gone. I have accepted it. She died so Ella could be here. In my heart I know that we will all be together one day. One day I will get to meet Mya and I will thank her for allowing me to have Ella in my life. Without Mya dying there would be no Ella. That is my positive outlook on losing Mya. It took me a long time to get there, but I’m there. I’m at peace.

I often times get overwhelmed with all of the tasks that I have to complete. Well, instead of letting these tasks overwhelm me I’m trying to be thankful for the fact that I am able to stay home and have these tasks. I could be working out of my home and not be able to see my children until 5:30pm at night. Thankfully, I spend every waking moment with Ella and with Jayden when he’s out of school. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that I put my mind to being able to become a work at home mom and I did it. I want to be here for my children. I want to be the one who raises them, and I cannot express how much gratitude I have.

Being thankful isn’t something that is so easily done. You have to actually think about these things and realize the many tiny, little things in life that you don’t realize are so wonderful. The fact that I have running water, food ALWAYS on my table, a husband that is my best friend, and children who are loving and a son that has more respect than I’ve ever seen in a boy. These little things about life make me smile and feel overwhelmed with thanks.

When you feel like your life is out of control and there’s a million reasons why you hate your life, you should stop and make a list of all the things you love about your life, the things you’re thankful for…. even the small things. Focus on those things, and make your life what you want it to be…. paint your own picture. That is what I have been doing and I’m very thankful for it all.

Heck no that doesn’t mean that!

I’ve noticed that I’m kinda gaining a little bit of weight – I just might be bloated because my dreadful ladies day is approaching. I told Gino that I feel like I’m getting fat.

JAYDEN: Mom, that means you’re going to have another baby!

ME
: No it absolutely does not mean that.

JAYDEN
: Let’s Check!

Okay… does this child have flashback images of his mom peeing on a million sticks when I was trying to conceive after Mya? I’ve ruined him.

I miss her

I read something today on one of my friend’s blogs and it really hit me. She too lost a baby girl in September 2006. She was talking of how she doesn’t want people to forget her baby. I feel the same way. This year I was a little sad, because I mentioned to some people in my life that it was Mya’s 2 year angel day, birthday, anniversary day – whatever… it’s like they didn’t even care. It’s nothing to people, because they didn’t love her like I did. They didn’t feel her like I did. So, it’s easy for them to just shrug it off and put it right out of their minds, because they’ve moved on. The sadness of the day my baby died is gone for them. It will never be gone from me. It seems like a blur, but my daughter is still dead and she’s still very much a part of our family and a part of our hearts.

I love Mya just as much as I love Ella and Jayden. I miss Mya and I never got to hold her and that’s one of my biggest regrets in life. I would have endured labor just to hug her once. Why didn’t I choose that? Maybe God knew that I couldn’t handle it. Maybe it’s best that we never got to see who’s features she was forming.

It’s been 2 years 1 week & 6days since my baby went away…. I miss her so much.

2 Years Ago Today – It’s our Mya Day

2 years ago today I walked into my house and smelt so good. My husband was making me tacos, because that’s what my baby girl loved. I was wearing this cute green maternity tank top, and I had just driven in traffic with blurry eyes. Blurry from crying them out.

It’s amazing how you remember such little things. I remember the nurse handing me a Kleenex box to take home and let me sit in the room until the waiting room had cleared out. My appointment was at 4:30pm, which was at the end of the day.

I had such high hopes for this precious soul inside of me. She was a blessing and I was so excited to have her join my family. That day, 2 years ago, my heart was crushed with the worst, devastating news I could have ever imagined. Mya was dead.

Tonight I’m sad. I’m sad that I didn’t get her balloons, because I feel like Gino needs to be a part of it, and he works. He works all weekend long. I still should have done something with the kids to remember their sister.

This is a day I dread every year, and I probably will dread it all the years to come. I just wish that I could have both Mya & Ella, and I know that’s not possible, but I still wish. I have come to terms with Mya’s death, and I have begun to understand that without her leaving me, I’d never get to see one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen. I’d never get kisses from the most beautiful girl I’d ever layed eyes on. I’d never know or love Ella. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

Today, Mya, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart soul. I will always love you and I hope that in heaven they have angel days, because you deserve it. Okay, now I’m so sad that I’m going to the store and buying you balloons. I’ll have them just in time to send them off when your daddy gets home. If they do have angel days you have to have something from your family, that loves you and thinks of you all the time.

Happy Angel Day, my angel.

Love, Mama

I miss her

The past couple of days I’ve been thinking a lot about Mya. Jayden got 2 balloons yesterday at dinner and he sent them both up to heaven. One for Mya and the other for Mr. & Mrs. Fishy. His fish died from being sucked up the filter. It was ironic that he did that, because I was thinking earlier that day about the day I found out her heart was no longer beating. I remember the awful drive home, alone, from the doctor’s office. Having to be stuck in the horrible traffic crying. I remember my mom pulling up to my house as I did. Walking over to her and her hugging me and me just sobbing. I remember walking into the house and Gino making tacos, one of the things I craved the most. I remember the shirt I was wearing. I remember the pain in my heart. I swear I felt her presence recently. I don’t know if it was her or the Holy Ghost comforting me, but something was with me and it made me actually stop and close my eyes and grasp on to that feeling.

I miss her. I have accepted that she’s gone, why she’s gone, but I miss her.

Thank you, Mya

I asked Gino the other day if he ever thinks of Mya. He said, “Not as much anymore.” I thought about his reply and thought about how a year ago she was all I thought about and now a day actually does go by that I don’t think of her. I’ve prayed many, many, many times for healing. To heal my broken heart for missing my baby. To help me to not resent my sister and my nephew. I honestly, full heartedly believe that Heavenly Father answered my prayers.

I look at Vani and I don’t think of Mya. I never thought that would be possible, but it is. I even stopped wearing my necklace with Mya’s ashes in it every day. Not on purpose, but sometimes life is busy and I actually forget to grab her.

I can think of her and smile and thank her for allowing Ella into our lives. If Mya never said Goodbye, Ella would never say Hello. And that right there, bring this peace to my heart and soul and I know that Mya exists, and that she’s with our Heavenly Father. She was too special for this world. She came at a time that we needed her, and her purpose was served. She brought this family from chaos to love. She saved us. I will forever be grateful to her for what she did for our family.

Thankfully we have a beautiful plan and Mya will be a part of our eternal family… I know it. I feel it in my heart, and that’s what gets me through this life. We will all eventually be happy, complete and together forever.

Thank you, Mya. Thank you for everything you did for your family ~ we love you. We will always love you.