The Footprints on My Heart

Posted on February 12, 2011 by Amanda

I took these beautiful feet print of my absolutely precious, beautiful, sweet blessing of a baby girl Aliyah for my Valentine’s cards. I couldn’t stop staring at them and thinking……

I started thinking about when I lost Mya and how all I wanted was her feet print. I remember the doctor coming into the recovery room after the operation and telling me, “I’m sorry we just couldn’t get her feet print.” I felt at that moment that I had lost her all over again. I still yearn for her precious little feet print. I want to be able to look at them and see that she did exist. I want to see the little prints that walked along my heart and forever changed who I am inside.

I walked into my closet yesterday and stared at the velvet bag that contains a box which contains an envelope with the remainder of her ashes that didn’t get flushed down the toilet. I felt like I was struggling to breathe inside thinking about how my daughter is in a box. A box that sits next to my clothes. A box that I try to pretend isn’t there. A box I’m scared to death to even open.

The thing that brings some sort of peace to my soul though is that she’s not in that box. I know with every ounce of my soul that she is a part of our family and that one day I will be able to hug her and tell her the things that I want to say. I’ll be able to touch her face, run my fingers through her hair and tell her that she is just as much my daughter as Ella & Aliyah are. That while my life has continued on without her, I have never gone a day without thinking about her.

A few weeks ago Ella asked who Mya is. We just told her that she is her sister that’s in heaven, but I want her to know one day that Mya is her big sister who left this world so Ella could have a life in it, a life with us. I want Ella to love her.

I like to think and say that it gets easier with time. I don’t know, maybe it does. I am definitely a pro at hiding the feelings that are within my heart…. even from myself. On days that I allow the sting to sting I feel it, and it’s a wound that hurts just as much as the day I was told ~ her heart stopped beating.

……..I am so blessed for the two baby girls that I have been blessed with since the death of Mya along with their big brother. I am so blessed that I have these beautiful feet print to look at along with the feet they belong to, so that I can kiss them and kiss them some more.

An Essay for School ~ It’s all for a reason

Posted on September 28, 2010 by Amanda

I’m taking a writing class {English Comp} this term and am extremely blessed to have a professor that lets us choose what we write about. The assignment was no less than 150 words, but no more than 250 on a vividly capture of a poignant moment or experience in the life of the author, using a show not tell method.

Let me just start out by saying writing no more than 250 words on a subject coming straight from my heart was difficult. I’m almost wondering if I should have chosen this subject to write about for my longer paper ~ 500-750 words.

So, here it is ~ I’ll be submitting it in tonight so any feedback is GREATLY appreciated 🙂

I emerged out of the shower to see that stick sitting on the counter. That stick that was bound to heal my broken heart, it just had to. Looking down and seeing those 2 beautiful pink lines made my heart skip a beat.

It had only been two months since the agonizing news I had received at the doctors. “I’m sorry, there’s no heart beat. I’ll give you a moment to call somebody and then we’ll need to make arrangements.” Two short, agonizing months of having moments of not being able to breathe, not being able to fathom how I am not feeling my little girl kick away inside of me, of blaming God.

Those two beautiful pink lines stared back at me like a deer caught in headlights, or maybe it was me staring at them that way. Did I replace her? Am I wrong? Is God just making this tragedy better? These were only a few of the galloping thoughts going through my mind.

There were moments of feeling this tingly excitement surging through my body, only to have guilt wash over not even 10 minutes later. Feelings changing like clockwork just as the day turns into night. It was my own personal rollercoaster of a grieving mom; my own personal roller coaster of a thankful mom.

When the doctors placed my baby girl into my arms, a feeling of understanding came over me. I learned at that moment that everything in this life happens for a reason.

4th Myaversary ~ Heavy Image

Posted on September 7, 2010 by Amanda

Yesterday was our 4th Myaversary. 4 years ago yesterday we found out our baby girl was no longer alive inside of me. Hardest most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced inside.

I talk about {Mya} often. She’s not something I’ve pushed under the rug and moved easily on with life. She is a part of me, and she is my daughter. A daughter I haven’t met yet, but a daughter I felt inside of me. She was growing inside of me, she kicked inside of me, she grew into my heart while she was inside of me.

We always send off balloons to Mya to heaven every year on our Myaversary. I don’t know why we’ve never taken pictures of the balloons we’ve sent to her before, but this year was a special balloon and we took a special trip for her.

This year I wasn’t sad like I am normally on our Myaversary. I think it has a lot to do with the if there was a Mya, there’d be no Ella. Mya served a beautiful purpose in mending a broken marriage. Mya served a beautiful purpose in bring a family that was so close to be broken to knowing what we mean to each other. Mya made a way for Ella to enter this world into a family that was a family. A family that was loving. A family that was stable.

Mya, I thank you every day for making our family what it is today. And that is something to celebrate. And this face right here, is a face of a little girl with pure joy and happiness in her heart…. and I couldn’t fathom a life without her in it.

Our trip to the Oregon coast was a fun trip, but the wind was horrible! Made it very unenjoyable for Ella, but I did manage to get this cute picture of my family

Ella spent the majority of the time screaming if I didn’t have her covered entirely in a towel to protect her from the blowing sand. Such a bummer, because the weather was BEAUTIFUL! Here’s my 2 wind blown babies.

This windblown baby loved everything about the trip…. loved the water, the wind, the birds to chase and I don’t post much about my Sophie girl… but here she is

and my wonderful husband managed to get this beautiful belly pic of me at 27 weeks pregnant with our newest baby girl that will be joining our family in December.

Then it came time to let go of the balloon for Mya ~ I found this special rose balloon, so I sent her off a Rose. You can click on the picture to make it bigger.

Our trip was quick, but it was a beautiful day. We celebrated what a beautiful little girl gave us, taught us and helped us become.

Mya,

I love you more than I’ll ever be able to explain. You will always be a special part of our lives, and we will always continue to celebrate our Myaversary. I know that you are with us, and that you watch over your little family. I know one day we will get to meet, and until that day I hope that I will continue to feel you around me.

I love you ~ Love, Mama

25 Weeks, 4 Days & what used to be a Due Date

Posted on August 26, 2010 by Amanda

**WILL EDIT TO ADD BELLY PICTURE & U/S PICTURE**

Today was my due date for the baby I lost in January of this year. It’s weird to me how both Ella & this baby’s pregnancy came right after the loss of another baby. Going to the doctor to find out that your baby has passed away is one of the most excruciating pains that I have ever experienced, and I’ve gone through it now twice.

I do believe that our trials and challenges in life help us to grow as a person. I do believe that while at the time of certain tragedies we don’t quite understand why, but I do believe there is a purpose. My first baby girl, Mya, who only made it to 18 weeks 4 days, mended my broken marriage. God sent her to us to bring us back together, since we had fallen so far apart. We were on the brink of divorce, and Mya changed that. She made it so that Ella was conceived out of love, out of a family that may have been broken at one time but because of Mya was stronger than it had ever been. Without losing Mya I’d have no Ella…. I can’t imagine. Ella has so much life, so much beauty to her.

The baby that was due today made it to 8 weeks. It grew to 8 weeks, I saw it’s heart beat, I started to love it. And then… it was taken from me. I cried, I mourned, I let myself feel the feelings I needed to feel, and then I talked to God. I told God I understand that there is a reason that this baby was not meant to say hello to this world. God knew what he was doing, because not even 2 months later he filled up my womb and my heart with this precious baby girl that I’m carrying now.

I haven’t blogged extremely much about this pregnancy. I haven’t taken weekly belly shot pictures this pregnancy. This pregnancy seems fake to me. I don’t know why, but I think the fact that I’m adding another beautiful member to my family doesn’t seem real.

A lot of times I’ll just be sitting here and I literally forget in my brain that I’m pregnant. Then, she kicks. She nudges me reminding me that there’s a little person inside of my body that will soon be filling up my heart with smiles and coos. She kicks and she nudges to remind me that SHE’S REALLY THERE and she’s going to fill up my arms in only a few very, short months.

Earlier this week we went to visit a friend who just had a baby girl. Everything about her was so little, so new, so precious. My children got to hold her. Ella got to hold her and watching Ella’s eyes light up warmed my soul to the very dang core! I cannot wait to see her with her baby sister.

We still have not named her. My babies are always named clear in the beginning of the pregnancy. This time, I just can’t decide. We have a few different options, Lyla Lee, Reese Lee, Amia Lee, Amia Reese ~ I have a feeling she won’t be named until we meet her.

I might not yet know this baby girl’s name, but what I do know is that she’s a part of me. She’s another piece to the puzzle of my family’s happiness. I do know that her arrival is being greatly anticipated by all of the members of her loving family that can’t wait to kiss her sweet face.

I’m 25 weeks and 4 days today. I’m feeling wonderful, I have my appetite back, I’m starting to really show. I think I’ve been getting emotional lately and might even have a tad of a mean streak in me, because things that didn’t bother me before irritate the crap out of me now. I don’t have much longer to go and then our home will be filled again with the beautiful sound of a newborn baby crying.

I’m gonna ramble here

Posted on February 5, 2010 by Amanda

I’m here to ramble. To get how I feel out, so I don’t drive people crazy with it later ~ you’re more than welcome to stick around and hear me out 🙂

I think it’s kind of been hitting me lately that I’m not pregnant. Especially when I hear about other people expecting. It almost stabs me in the heart a bit, because I SHOULD BE THERE! I should be struggling with morning sickness, getting close to little flutters in my stomach. Dang it! I’m sad.

I feel so torn, because while I’d love to jump right back into the TTC action, I know that there’s a couple of things that need to be taken care of first.

I need to get my hormones checked. I really feel like my progesterone issues that I had with the Mirena might have had a little something to do with losing this baby. SO I have to go in and get my hormones all checked and make sure that I’m okay in that department.

Next… I REALLY want to lose some weight before getting pregnant again. I don’t want to go into this pregnancy unhealthy, so if I could drop even 20 lbs before getting pregnant I’d be THRILLED…. if I lost a bit more I wouldn’t be too sad about that.

I want to get finished with my Unfinished Business list.

Then I can make a baby ~ when it does happen though I think we’ll keep it to ourselves for a while ~ because if we have a repeat I dread telling people.

Just a Motivating Monday – Our Choice

Posted on January 25, 2010 by Amanda

If you’re just joining in:
-Write a blog post about ANYTHING at all that inspires you, or something you feel will inspire others.

-Please link back to Garibay Soup

-Please snag my Just a Motivating button on your post.

-I hope that we can all go and visit each other’s blogs and read what everyone has linked up ~ I hope that this carnival can bring more traffic for you 🙂 So, spread the comment love!

Life gives us mountains to climb, and if we stop at the bottom we never know what beauty lies up at the top.

I don’t fully understand why we have to be dealt tragic things to deal with. Loss, divorce, money issues, death… the list can go on and on and on. There are so many life challenging things that we have to go through, and during these times the majority of us can buckle to our knees and throw in the towel. A majority of us forget to turn our worries over to God trusting in Him that things will work out, because THEY ALWAYS DO.

This past week I went through another pregnancy loss. I think that one main thing that got me through it is focusing on positive things. The last time I went through this I didn’t do this, I buckled to my knees and felt like my entire world was colliding all around me. This time, I felt my pain inside, but I knew that I had to keep going…. I had to find out what beauty is lying ahead of me. Last time it ended up being a beautiful little girl I call Ella… this time, we’ll find out soon.

I was going to base my Just a Motivating Monday on pregnancy loss, but we all are struggling with something in our lives. Something that has us sad, stressed, worried, sickened… something that we can charge head on and defeat with happiness. But the thing is…. it’s your choice. It’s your choice how you handle the hardships in your life. It’s your choice when you will be happy again. It’s YOUR CHOICE. So, how are you going to choose this week?

Here’s how I’m choosing:

I just lost another baby that was growing inside of me, but….

I’m going to continue being a good mom and wife
I’m going to write out my goals and accomplish them
I’m going to smile when I get out of bed, because despite tragedy…. I’m still living
I CHOOSE to make the best out of each day
I CHOOSE to not let a day go by where I allow sadness or regret to take over my day

We choose the outcomes of every situation… good or bad. Unfortunately we don’t to choose the tragedies and unfortunate events that happen to us, but we get to choose to embrace it for what it is and grow from it.

January 18, 2010 ~ Another Day of Loss

Posted on January 20, 2010 by Amanda

There’s little things about that dreadful day a little over 3 years ago that I remember. The color of my shirt, the time of day, the lonely feeling I felt… things that will forever be burned into my memory.

Yesterday things are still vivid in my mine… I’m sure that the way they’ll stay. Some things will fade with time, but some I’ll forever remember. I remember the excitement my nurse had seeing back in there, the talking of Ella already getting the teenager attitude at the age of 2, the talking of Mya and how sad that was to deal with, the talking of my nurse’s tween driving her batty with her new teenager attitude. I remember waiting forever for my appointment and actually thinking to myself at one point…. it’s okay that I’m waiting, because it’s that much longer of being pregnant in case something goes wrong. Yes, unfortunately when you’ve gone through a loss as extreme as my loss with Mya you can’t help but think this way.

The doctor came in… I really do like her. She delivered Ella, my nephew, my cousin’s baby and she’s giggly and easy to talk to. We just talked about Ella’s heart problem… the possibility of this baby getting it, how hard it is to catch in the womb, and then……

the ultrasound machine came in. My uterus tilts to the back, so it was hard to get the baby on the screen, but we could see it. With as many pregnancies as I’ve had, as many ultrasounds I know what to look for. I know where the heart should be, and when I don’t see a flicker, I know there’s a problem. I looked at my doctor’s face and saw the concern… SHI*! Not again.

She turns it off after printing a weird picture for me, and tells me, well let’s just send you next door. That’s where the good ultrasounds are. Her’s sucked and she wasn’t sure if it was her angle. I knew. I had to wait for 45 minutes to get in to see if my baby was “viable” as the referral paper stated.

A couple walked in. At first I wanted to tell them to please let me go in front of them, because I just couldn’t take the waiting anymore….. I am here to see if my baby is alive. Then I saw her tears. Her drinking her water and her husband with the same glazed over look my husband had when we went to “confirm demise” {as the referral paper said} of Mya. That took my attention off myself real quick. I still had a chance. Even though for the past few days I’ve known that there wasn’t another soul in my body, because I felt something wasn’t right, I still had a chance. This girl did not. This girl was extremely pregnant, and all I wanted to do at that moment was hug her. Tell her that I know that what she’s feeling at this moment feels like you’ll never recover, but God will hold you. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t go to this stranger and hug her, hell… she didn’t know me. She doesn’t know why I’m in that room…. waiting to get the same news she’s about to receive.

She too was a patient of my doctor’s, and my doctor was not having a good day. 2 patients back to back with lifeless babies in them.

After that poor woman left the office bawling and feeling her entire world crash all around her, they called my name. It was time and I layed on the table, closed my eyes and didn’t want to watch. But I had to. I had to get that glimpse of my baby. It measured at 8 weeks 1 day, I should be 8 weeks 4 day, so that’s close enough that everything could be okay….. but nope.

No heart beat. Another baby gone. I don’t get it. I have a hard time grasping why God allows drug addicts to have babies, horrible moms who beat their children, and then there’s good parents who love their kids, care for their kids…. he takes them. I know, from experience that there is a reason. I know that had I not lost Mya I wouldn’t have Ella. I get that. But the whole process just down right SUCKS!

This was what went on that dreadful Monday, Januray 18, 2010. Not a very good start to the New Year, the new decade, but I have to hold myself together. I have to be strong and appreciate the beautiful blessings that God has blessed me with. There are woman out there who don’t have children and all they have is loss after loss after loss. I know that I can have another baby. After my loss with Mya I had a perfectly beautiful kindof healthy little girl Miss Ella. I say kindof healthy, because while she is one of the healthiest little girls she does have her heart problem.

I’m going to be okay. I think my main thing right now is I really don’t want to talk about it. When people call me I’d rather talk about life and things going on rather than my loss. There is nothing they can say that’s going to make me feel better or change what happened. So, people…. don’t be offended if I cut you off and don’t want to talk about it. I find my ways, twitter, blog world and unfortunately I feel more comfortable talking about it there. With woman who have been through this and strangely know what to say. I appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, but when we get on the phone please don’t talk about it. I’m not trying to be rude at all, it’s just something I’d rather not talk out loud about at this time.

Another Loss… Another Heartache… Another Trial… I Cling to HOPE

Posted on January 19, 2010 by Amanda

I’ve learned that God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. I’ve learned that when you hurt so badly inside that you think you might not survive, you amazingly do.

One thing I hadn’t learned until today is that God can give you one excruciating thing to deal with more than once.

It’s been 3 years, 4 months, 1 week, 6 days since I lost Mya. Probably the worst day of my life.

Today marks day 1. Day 1 of losing yet another baby of mine. A baby that I wanted, a baby that I grew to love, a baby that I dreamed of, a baby that I planned on. Another baby that never said hello, and another baby I can’t tell goodbye.

I’m numb. I cried a lot today, maybe enough, because I can’t find anymore tears. I don’t want to talk to people. I haven’t even talked to my mom. I just know that there’s nothing anybody can say to me to fix this, to make me feel better. My baby is dead. In all honestly what I need right now is the normalcy of life. Maybe I’m in denial.

Tomorrow I’m dreading a bit. I’ll be put to sleep once again in order to have what used to be life growing inside of me taken out. I’ll come home with an empty womb, an empty heart, an empty soul.

But I also know that my life is going to go on. I have 2 beautiful children that embraced me with smiles and hugs and kisses all throughout today. I have a beautiful life, a wonderful husband, and I know that even though I might have a feeling hopelessness inside of me, there is hope. Hope is what I have needed to cling onto when I lost my little girl. Hope is what gets us through this life.

I have hope. I have hope that I will have another baby in my life again.

I don’t know how I will be feeling tomorrow. I will home with my empty womb, my empty heart, my empty soul, but I can promise you that I will cling on to hope.

I’m not ready to write about what happened today. Maybe tomorrow. But today I’m not ready.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Enchanting Havoc

Category Archives: pregnancy loss