I’ve learned that God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. I’ve learned that when you hurt so badly inside that you think you might not survive, you amazingly do.
One thing I hadn’t learned until today is that God can give you one excruciating thing to deal with more than once.
It’s been 3 years, 4 months, 1 week, 6 days since I lost Mya. Probably the worst day of my life.
Today marks day 1. Day 1 of losing yet another baby of mine. A baby that I wanted, a baby that I grew to love, a baby that I dreamed of, a baby that I planned on. Another baby that never said hello, and another baby I can’t tell goodbye.
I’m numb. I cried a lot today, maybe enough, because I can’t find anymore tears. I don’t want to talk to people. I haven’t even talked to my mom. I just know that there’s nothing anybody can say to me to fix this, to make me feel better. My baby is dead. In all honestly what I need right now is the normalcy of life. Maybe I’m in denial.
Tomorrow I’m dreading a bit. I’ll be put to sleep once again in order to have what used to be life growing inside of me taken out. I’ll come home with an empty womb, an empty heart, an empty soul.
But I also know that my life is going to go on. I have 2 beautiful children that embraced me with smiles and hugs and kisses all throughout today. I have a beautiful life, a wonderful husband, and I know that even though I might have a feeling hopelessness inside of me, there is hope. Hope is what I have needed to cling onto when I lost my little girl. Hope is what gets us through this life.
I have hope. I have hope that I will have another baby in my life again.
I don’t know how I will be feeling tomorrow. I will home with my empty womb, my empty heart, my empty soul, but I can promise you that I will cling on to hope.
I’m not ready to write about what happened today. Maybe tomorrow. But today I’m not ready.
Please keep us in your prayers.
I'm sorry you have to go through this (again). You can get through this and I wish you the best in the future.
I am praying for you honey. I am here if you ever want to talk. I have been where you are and know that no words can fix this. I have a shoulder though if you need it.
love you!
Amanda,
I am truly sorry….
I have been there twice myself and haven't tried again. It is so difficult and heart-breaking. I'm so sorry to read you're going through this. It happens much more often than most people let on. I had no idea until it happened to me. It doesn't make it easier, but just know you are not alone.
You have two beautiful children!!
I am so very, deeply sorry Amanda. No one should have to loose a baby and it is so hard when it happens again. I lost two babies after Indigo. It is always heartbreaking.
Amanda, keep clinging on to those sweet little ones. I know nothing can make this better.
Ohh, honey. Wow! I cant even imagine what you must be going through right now. Maybe halfway, but not entirely. I am sooo sorry. I promise you a girls night out when you feel like you are ready for a break away. Please know I love you. My Prayers ares with you. You will arise once more and be better for it, somehow. I hope we can talk soon. Hot Chocolate, Movies, Games, Bowling, etc. You name it, we'll do it. I love you, My Amanda!!!
I love you friend and will help you get through this. God bless you and your family!
I am so sorry Amanda.
xoxo
Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so true – noone can make it better for you. I will be praying for you today and for the days to come.
Amanda, Just want you to know that you and your family is in my prayers. I am sorry this has happened to you again. I have been in your situation and know how you feel. I am thinking of you.
I'm just so sorry you're going through this again. Wishing you peace (hugs)
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I will be praying for you that God will wrap his arms around you and comfort you.
((hugs))
Amanda, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for you and Gino's loss. Sending prayers of heeling and peace your way my friend. xoxo
I am so very sorry for the loss of this precious life. I pray GOD will hold you in His arms today
Oh, Amanda. I'm in tears for you. I'm so very sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Michelle
Amanda, I am so sorry to hear this. If you ever need anything, or just want to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to ask.
I love you and am praying for you!!
What…?? I'm so sorry… wow.. too much, I'm worried for you…
Amanda, I am so so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now…sending you tons of love, thoughts, prayers and hugs.
Email me if you need to talk, okay? I am here for you 100%–even if you just need to cry, yell, etc. I am here.
xo
oh amanda i am truly sorry for your loss. just know that you will feverishly be in my prayers. please let me know if you need anything.
hugs :0)
sandy
Oh Amanda I'm so sorry!! My heart is breaking for you right now!! I've been down that road and I know there is nothing that I can say that will make it better. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. {{Hugs}}
I'm so sorry. Prayers for you and your sweet little baby…
I just happened to stumble accross your blog, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages and I still think about them all the time. God be with you.
Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. ~hugs~ Honestly, what got me through the 2nd one I had (which was much harder than the first since I was further along) was Andrew. I just focused on him and kept it in my mind that I was so blessed just to have him. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses. He was my therapy. I hope your heart will heal so you can return to a sense of normalcy soon…
You know what woman you are so right that our higher power does not dish out what we cannot handle. I needed to collect my thoughts before posting a comment because I know your loss. I know your pain oh so well still fresh after the years too have passed. Time only eases that ache so its a dull pain and no longer stabs at us until we are numb. If you need anything let me know…so many are here for you! ((HUGS))