I’ve always had a pretty strong faith in my heart regarding Jesus, Heavenly Father, the plan of salvation, the church I believe in {HERE}.  It’s just something that has been so embedded in my heart – one of those things you just know.  So when I heard about this amazing book called Heaven is For Real I had to give it a chance, because there was a purpose in me reading it…. I just knew it.

It’s been 4 years, 8 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since my baby girl Mya left my womb and went to heaven.  Ever since this happened I’ve struggled inside with wanting to know what happens with her soul – do babies who die in the womb await us in heaven?  Will I finally get to say hello to her and smile at her smile and kiss her sweet face?  Will I finally get my opportunity to feel her in my arms?  While I have understood that her purpose on this earth was served and there is a reason in everything – including her tragic loss, I have searched and searched for something telling me that “Yes, she’s in heaven and yes she’s waiting for you.”

This book told me that.  This book put a feeling in my soul that I needed in regards to not only Mya, but our baby who we now call Taylor who we lost a little over a year ago.

My heart is filled with many little whispers that I can’t voice out.  There’s silent ache there that when the night it quiet and the kids are tucked away – I sometimes embrace.  It’s easier to push it back – oh man is it easier.  I know that embracing the hurt along with the happy is okay.  I know that taking my leap of faith in life to live – and stop the worrying about everything is okay.  I know that my babies are waiting for me in heaven.  I KNOW this now, and while I’ve always had a hope – this book…. this book sealed the deal for me.

I have two extremely lovable, extremely cute and perfect little girls that remind me everyday that I went through that devastating pain of losing those babies for a reason.  THEY are my reasons.

I know we’ll never understand the big picture of our purpose. It’s something that wrapping our heads around isn’t fully possible. Faith helps me there – I have faith that there is a big picture, that there is a reason to my love, my sadness, my happiness…. my beautiful life.

There’s little things that we need to appreciate every day. Things like the worn tap shoes that my son wears on his feet and gets in front of over 200 people to tap his precious heart out. Knowing that these shoes, right here are truly to poetry to his feet. He sings from his feet – he whispers from his feet – there’s a story to be told with his feet. 

Every girl needs a sister. Every girl needs a best friend that is there for life. A sister is ALWAYS there when the world doesn’t stop.
A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost – even for an older brother. There’s an extreme amount of love that flows out of this boy for his sisters.

This little one in our family is growing up on us. I knew it was going to happen. I just knew it. In less than 2 weeks she’ll be half a year…. damn it I blinked. She’s starting to love her toys, and watches her siblings with her eyes all lit up. She does this gurgle thing with her voice when she’s trying to talk to you. When you talk back to her or she thinks your talking to her, she does this little flirty thing that is HILARIOUS – and cute of course. I thought about putting her in her crib so I don’t create this cosleeping nightmare like I created with Ella…. but I just can’t do it. I love to snuggle her and soak up her littleness.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about being a mother. The excruciating pain it entails when you think back on the events of the day and recall all the screw ups you did. The yelling that could have been avoided – the imperfections that could have been done without. It’s times like these that I feel so grateful I can pray. It’s times like these that I feel so grateful that not only do I know that God will forgive me, but that my children are so quick to forgive me for my imperfections…. and I have no problems apologizing every day to them for not being perfect. But as I crawl in bed each night, and I shut my eyes to pray – I know that it’s okay. I will never be perfect. But I love these kids more than words on this blog could ever describe.