I’ve had a lot to say lately, yet I come one here to get it out and it’s not there.  I’ve had a lot of emotions going on lately and I don’t know if it has anything to do with postpardum or the fact that that I’ve been overwhelmingly busy.  School has started for me and I have a full load of classes, I’m homeschooling Jayden, trying to keep Ella busy and did I mention I have a newborn baby?

I’m anxious.

And I’m starting to think I might have ADHD.

And I miss my sister.  I miss my sister so much and I feel so hurt by her.  I feel hurt that she has chosen somebody else over me… her sister.  I don’t know why I’m so sad about it, but it’s been over a year since I’ve had my sister in my life.  But even if she was back in my life, I don’t think she’d be the same person.  And it’s sad to me.  She’s supposed to be my best friend forever…. that’s what sisters are about right?  I have to find a way to accept that she will probably never be a part of my life again.  I will probably never know my niece and nephew.  She isn’t a part of my kids and I’m sad about that.

I just miss her.

Why can’t my family just throw drama out the window and appreciate and love each other unconditionally?  Why do we have such dysfunction every where we turn?  Why can’t everyone realize that life is so short and we literally are not promised tomorrow?

Broken families sadden me.

My family is broken.

I think that my family and all its dysfunction pushes me to my positivity and my drive towards personal development.  I honestly think that if I didn’t have that for myself I would be sad, dark place, and that to me is scarier than anything.  Maybe this isn’t true, because my husband and children are pretty much pure awesome and they make me happier than anyone ever could…. I’m happy that my little family isn’t broken…. my little family is dysfunctional.

I haven’t been to church regularly in over a year.  I appear every once in a while and while my heart is there, it’s just been inconvenient.  Yes, God has been inconvenient to me.  And that’s not okay.  I think that I’m going to feel better tomorrow after I finally go back, and this time I need to make this a regular thing.  I need my children to have this constant, good thing in their lives.  Everything else in their lives is not constant thanks to my asshole inlaws who don’t deserve to have my children EVER in their lives again after the crap they recently pulled {besides us of course} and I need them to know that they always have the gospel.  No matter what.

Sorry for the weird post, but I’m feeling in a very weird place tonight, and this blog is me ~ unedited ME.  I promise for Motivating Monday I’ll be back to the more positive me.